Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Unexpected Mirrors

I don't travel well.I become fearful and tight, wanting to withdraw into me, not trusting anyone or my Higher Power. I become suspicious of all those around me. I doubt my ability to perform the tasks which my employer asks of me. In my head, I'm beginning to piss and moan. Poor me.All of these thoughts are unrealistic, delusional bull shit. A scarily unrealistic appraisal of God, the world around me, and of myself. Unfortunately, it's what's real inside those caverns of my mind.

So, here I am in a strange town, and off I go, fearful and untrusting,to a meeting where the topic was Step 5. This fellow was sharing about the troubles of AA's, how there are some defects of character that we can fail to see. Such as, how judgemental we are of others in the rooms. I was right in there with him, nodding my head, feeling like I was the one being judged in the room. How the people in this room were looking down on me. He went on describing how fear is the big motivator in the judging of others. I kept nodding, yeah, I was feeling afraid, uncomfortable in this room of folk I did not know. He prattled on for a while, gripping my interest, when the light went on.

In my fear, seeking self-protection, I was judging each and everyone in that room. I was finding them all wanting. I was back in that old trap of expecting others to do for me what I should be doing for myself.They, a group of men and women who are gathered together to stay sober one more day, were there for the same purpose. My fear hid that purpose from me.

The solution, prayer and service. I travel to this town in the hands of my Higher Power. Nothing evil is going to strike me here. The tables needed to be put away, the chairs stacked. Something I could do. My employer invited me here, having confidence in my ability to deliver.

My fear is corrosive. The antidote is faith. One day at a time. First things First.

6 comments:

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

I never feel comfortable on the road I am a creature of habit and like my own space. I like the idea of far away places but actually going there on a cramped plane and being unfamiliar with where things are, I am really only good from 3 days. I had a job for a year that I flew back an forth every other week. I managed but I stayed in the same where they knew me. There is no place like home.

Annette said...

Love the transformation you experienced. I will think of this the next time I sit in a room full of strangers and wonder if they are thinking I am an idiot. Yeah...I do that too. Often. Thank you....I have a new tool in my belt. :o)

Susan Deborah said...

You just have to trust your maker and then things will fall into place. You either trust him or you fear. Please don't do BOTH.

Joy always,
Susan

Eli said...

I often find that my judgment of others is what's fueling my fear that they will judge me. Glad you had an epiphany.

Elizabeth R. said...

Exactly what I needed to read right now. I have something I'm pretty fearful about-and the antitdote is faith. I know that. It's just good to know that everyone has and gets through these feelings.
Elizabeth
www.countingdays.org

Syd said...

I would go to meetings when I was out of town. I was welcomed every time. My fear is about abandonment, not change. The one thing I am assured is that there will be a meeting that is Al-Anon where I go.