Sunday, July 31, 2011

Whom do I believe?

I saw a bumper sticker the other day. It kinda said something like "one does not have to believe everything that one thinks." Made me laugh, seeing the truth that was on display for me to see.

Still sober, still clean since my last post in February. Can't say the journey has been easy but there has been some illumination along the way. Wonderful people cross our paths as we travel along, lessons appear in places where I would have never expected to be taught. Eventual gratitude mixed with the painful letting go of old idea's.

I had expectations that when I was sober five years that my thoughts would have been easier to corral. That I would have a better ability to see through my own bull shit. Not true. Nope. Apparently, the opposite is happening. Seems like I can experience a series of events and my brain constructs reasoning around all those events and I end up with a very justified resentment. I think I'm a reduction machine, taking unrelated (or somewhat similar) happenings and creating a single sentence "truth" that becomes absolute. Funny how that "truth" becomes a resentment which seems to always go to "people do not love me", and as I walk with that resentment I get to travel to "leave me alone." Just about left my home group over imaginations. Other imaginations creating difficult times between my partner and I, or my employer and I. The arguments I come up with are slick, my brain easily slides down that path, believing those arguments to be sincerely truthful. No warning signs within my own mind. "Danger, Danger."

There are ways to find those warning signs but that involves me actually talking with another human being. There seems to be a difference in the thinking of and the telling of. A difference between the thinking and the writing. Many in recovery have spoken of the dangers of a mind alone, how important it is to pick up the phone or single someone out after a meeting, to make that connection with another so that one's thoughts don't take one out.

When I found the courage to speak with some of those to whom I was developing resentments, stating the issues as I saw them and then listening to their side, the resentments dissipate. I may not agree with the person but I do find that they are not personally attacking me, they are just living life to the best of their ability.

One other way of living that helped me stay sober in the last six months was service. Working with others is a sure way of keeping my out of my own thoughts and in the literature. Attending meetings, even though I had no desire to be there, also helped my get through a rough patch.

I have no desire to drink but I have a deep seated need to be alone. A need that is not beneficial over the long term, a need that points back to drink. A need to numb. A need that chokes my voice. I don't have to give in to that need.

I appreciate this line from Tom Piazza's novel "My Cold War", 'The function of language has become primarily eliminatory, a lubricant to grease the tracks and get rid of complexities as quickly as possible, without having to engage them.' Engaging complexities means I get to look at myself in relationship with others and that, for me, is painful. However, the fruits of such labour are sweet.

Thanks for visiting.


Annette said...

Glad to see you back! I love your honesty...know that in sharing your personal struggles you speak to others who may not be brave enough to verbalize those same types of struggles and you let them know they aren't alone. Like me! lol I like your reference to "imaginings" and how they can alter our relationships. Also wanting to be alone. I could relate. Thanks for sharing!

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

I wish silencing the sick voice was just a problem for alcoholics. I recently stepped outside myself long enough to see the BS my mind has put between me and everything I see and here.

A really distorted grimey filter with all the layers of past hurts. I lived in my own world and was too sick to see the truth. Today I am making no judgements and just showing up without the bs.

Realizing your mind really never has your best interest in mind is the first step to real freedom from pain and suffering.

I found helpful for me in this process.

Susan Deborah said...

Glad to read your post again.


indistinct said...

Thank you, each one, for your words and encouragement.

I love what Grace-WorkinProgress wrote, that my mind doesn't have my best interest in mind. So true.

Tough when you have to use the damaged part to get better. Glad I don't have to travel alone any more.