Tuesday, August 2, 2011

tying my own knots

When thinking of how captivating my own thoughts and attitudes are, I was reminded of Chapter 3 of the Big Book with it's stories of how slips can happen with the craziest of thoughts. Sure, whisky, mixed with milk, sounds like a safe and nutritional way to drink. There is no possibility of going on a drunken spree there!

There was a time, just before I was about to celebrate one year of sobriety with my home group that I had a great idea. I was very uncomfortable with having to celebrate one year, feeling like I didn't deserve it, I was uncomfortable with the struggles I was having at home, and all these feelings and others that I was experiencing was just getting on my nerves. I was looking for a way out. Then I thought that if I had a drink, the 1 year problem was gone, my partner would kick me out of the house, and I would be feeling just marvellous. It is embarrassing to state just how elated I had felt when I found a solution out of the quagmire I thought I was in. Fortunately, two minutes into the elation the phone rang. It was a friend in recovery, and after a bit, I spilled the beans on my plan and sanity was restored. Celebrated one year and remained committed to restoring the relationship I was and am still in. Did I mention how good that elation felt?

I can't afford to keep anything secret. My idea's are still out to get me. There's a bit of good advice in the book of Alcoholic's Anonymous. It's found right after the promises:

This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code. (pg 84)
My thinking reveals my selfishness, dishonesty, resentments and fears. Seeing them is a Step 10 that I work with my higher power, sharing them with another person and making right the wrongs are important for me.

I am grateful for this process of writing. As a tool, it brings me clarity. Just as other folks share their story do. There is something about sharing.

1 comment:

Syd said...

A crazy plan for sure. Glad that God intervened somehow to thwart having that drink.