Friday, August 5, 2011

Who's driving the bus?

What is it with resentments these days? I seem to be full of them, my mind just dredging them up out of nowhere, a pall of negativity. I try to hide it from others, attempting not to let this negativity influence conversation and interaction. The ol' fake it till you make it trick. And I don't even want to mention how I react to others who have resentments.

Here's an example. It's my turn to set up the room for my home group meeting. Arrive an hour early, make the coffee, set up the chairs, put out the literature, set up for the chairman, just the usual stuff. Internally, I complained about the quality of the coffee, the difficulty of accessing the stored chairs, how hot the room was, and on and on. I ended up berating myself for having this constant stream of unhealthy thoughts and reminded myself of attraction before promotion. Arghhh. Nothing like healthy self-acceptance, is there. Never put me in a room by myself.

Earlier this year, when we were celebrating my fifth birthday in recovery, my sponsor mentioned that I hardly spoke of fear. He reminded me of how I used to live in constant fear, worrying about just about anything I could grab on to. Laying awake half the night afraid of whatever. I rarely do that to myself now, not that I couldn't go there, but somehow (I trust that the Potter was at work) I have somehow found a way to cancel the thought stream just as it starts. Grateful that my Higher Power has worked on this defect, all the while recognizing it didn't disappear overnight.

With previous step four work, I understand that under every resentment there is a fear. What I think is going on is a power grab. Self pity, disguised as resentments. Self pity, produced by fear that I'm not getting what I think I deserve. A power grab that would give me permission to drink and/or porn again, to numb away all this discomfort. An easier softer way.

That is not where I want to go. To live the remainder of my life sober, useful to others, having love and compassion are the desires of my heart. All I can truly muster at this moment is a small bit of faith that my Higher Power will remove this stream of selfish resentments in time. That I need to trust and be patient. Love and compassion.

One day at a time.


Grace-WorkinProgress said...

When I live the program for the most part I am happy. When suddenly I hit a snag I instantly think what is wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong. I forget that I am human and maybe I am just tired or need a break from my routine. H.A.L.T Hungry angry lonely or tired. It is just a moment in a day. A day I can start over anytime I want.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

ah yes I know that one. I find when Im hacked off its often because there is something in my life that needs to change and can be changed. Being overweight. Not having fun stuff to do. Not having a laugh. Not exercising. Eating junk food. Stuff like that. If I sort a few things out then I stop being such a curmudgeon :)
well thats what I find.
Hope you feel less resentful soon.. hang in there :)

Syd said...

I know that pattern too but am glad to not live in fear today. I have moments of worry but am learning to let things go and just change those things that I can.