A decision

We were sharing on Step Three last night. "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." We had read the material out of "12 Steps and 12 Traditions" and had a most wonderful discussion.

I have funny ideas about faith. I want faith to be an emotion, a feeling, something akin to being high, to float in the presence of something much bigger than I. Imagine floating in a tropical sea, arms stretched wide, fingertips grazing the fluke of a great grey whale (benevolent, of course). That kind of faith would easily remove all my anxieties, my fears.

Apparently, I was/am a little off kilter. Faith is an action, a decision. Someone put it as plainly as "Step three is just making the decision to doing the remaining nine steps." It's a matter of the proper use of will power. I've written before about aligning my will with the Will of my Higher Power. It's a choice I make and have to remake each day.

Will I wilfully plunge into the darkness of sadness and depression, letting resentments float up out of the sea of self pity. Will I reach out to help another? To be of service, leaving the outcome of that offer to help up to my Higher Power. Will I seek out that thread of light that gives direction to my wallowing. If I stop, look, and listen, the world is not dark. I can find hope and courage.

And, to counter my own internal argument, it's not about becoming an automaton. On page 36 of the 12 and 12, one can find:

"The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. Therefore dependence, as A.A. practices it, is really a means of gaining true independence of the spirit."

We never have to walk alone. I have a choice.