Saturday, September 10, 2011

Dust

Resentments bring a heaviness with them. A weight of shadow, coldness, and loneliness. Sluggishness and resistance are part of the baggage the resentment brings along. They provide planks to help build a platform of ego. Justified or unjustified makes no difference, a paralysis of recovery is the result.

A determination to chart my own path, to allow my self to plot my future comes from all this mistrust, anger and fear. This troubled trail construction is cunningly designed with just one outcome. A future that returned to the past. Just another cycle of resentments coupled with self pity that leads to a desire to drink, to porn. To feel trapped in the gravity of ego.

I came clean with my home group. At a business meeting, I laid out my concerns and just asked the other members what they thought of them. I tried to be open, telling them of the lack of trust I was feeling towards A.A., the abundance of fear and the depth of self pity or depression that came along with all of this. The aloneness that results.

Most of the members could agree with portions of what I spoke of, but none agreed with my totality. They gently spoke from their hope and experience, none judged or pushed. I sat, listened, and worked hard at keeping my resentments submerged. When all was said and done, not much changed except there appeared a mote of hope dancing within me. A lessening of self, an inexplicable shift. An understanding of what my first sponsor continues to teach me, "Do you want to be right or happy?" He also taught that "time takes time." Change comes to those with patience.

In the end, it's group determination, not my determination. Common welfare, not personal. Group consciousness, not consciousness of my own pain.

Beam of Light.

3 comments:

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

I find when I can't come to terms with something it is because I think I am right. I think if they could just see it my way or if I explain it correctly they will come around. New flash they are thinking the same thing.

I can only know where I am coming from and know it is impossible to see something from someone elses exact perspective.

Annette said...

As I was reading this I thought, "Ahhh he chose to walk in the light. That is always good for our spirits." Then you ended your post with "beam of light." Yes! Those beams of light are crucial to our health. And time does take time....I like that! Good for you.

Syd said...

I have moments when I feel that lack of trust in Al-Anon. Then I remember that the person who has engendered that lack of trust is human and has character defects. It is not every person, just one or two. We are sick people getting well. That is okay. What the 12 steps teaches and brings to me is wonderful. I don't need to forget that.