Saturday, September 17, 2011

Surprised.

At a meditation class I attended yesterday, the Chaplin spoke of trusting your instincts. My first reaction was no way. My second reaction was that I have no idea what she was talking about. What I do know is that I shouldn't believe my own thoughts and idea's and always check them out with your sponsor before you act on them. I have seen the damage done by resentments, both in my life and in the life of others. And the longer I am sober, the more well greased those resentments become, easily sliding into place, fully believable.

I also know that my rejection of what the Chaplin spoke of is also folly. Again, to trust in my own thinking is absurd. Probably the best part of the meditation class is we could not speak. Just had to listen.

And what came out of walking the labyrinth? That I struggle with trusting, that I need to see where the journey will take me. That I grasp.

And what did I hear in the moments my mind was quiet? Embrace the emptiness. Be still and know God. Let go. Trust. And as I sat, I became aware of this anger I carry beneath the surface. An anger that's always roiling through me. I was and still am surprised. How could I not have seen it? How did I manage to bury it so deep? Doesn't matter, I've seen it, felt it. So many resentments have sprung up from that well.

I am grateful for that experience. I am grateful I get to explore meditation again today.  Forgiveness will be the intention today.

A still, soft voice.

1 comment:

Syd said...

The anger that is buried deep does come out for me at times--powerful and hurtful. Intending to maim others with silence or words is not what I want anymore. I work on tolerance and acceptance regularly. Situations to do that have presented themselves recently, and I see just how far I still have to go on this journey.