Friday, October 7, 2011

Insanity

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Whenever I have an opportunity to share about Step 2, I speak of how I came to an understanding of what Higher Power means and is. Sharing on how grateful I am for finding a Power greater than myself. I have ignored the second part of the step, the part that speaks of the insanity. Hey, I had a problem with drinking and porning, but I was still sane. Insane people are crazy, you know, and I was not crazy.

I found a definition of insanity that works for me. It goes: “A seriously impaired condition of the mental
functions, involving the intellect, emotions, or will, or one or more of these faculties.” Okay, so my will power was useless in stopping, nor could I recognize any of my emotions, and my intellect had come down to the idea that ending my life was a viable option. So perhaps I have to concede that I was insane before I fell into recovery, after all I scored one hundred percent on the test. I still don't wanna say it, but.

So were is the insanity the last while. The months where I was struggling with resentments, with anger, self-pity, depression, and those flirting thoughts of the off switch? The thoughts that I would be better of without A.A., that a bottle of Shiraz would make a good friend.

Take a deep breath, Hank, pause and look at was a resentment is: "A deep sense of injury; the excitement of passion which proceeds from a sense of wrong offered to one's self or one's kindred or friends; strong displeasure; anger." Oh yah, I was passionate about my resentments this past while. They were true, you know. I believed them. Nothing wrong with constantly walking around feeling displeasure, anger, is there? Hey, if it feels good, do it!


I could not use intellect to dispel the resentments. Even know they were false didn’t stop them from
rising up and me believing them. Brain power does not avail. Resentments resulted in a lot of emotional
turbulence and putridity. The discomfort of the thoughts was not deterrent enough. It was if I invited
them in. Will power, not at all. Knowing how much pain it caused in my relationships, knowing how the anger I gave hurts my wife, knowing that resentments were a form of suicide, were and are not affective in preventing resentments from arising. Man, it was as if I were drinking again.

This thought pattern, this deeply negative ingrained way of thinking is insane. It seeks not to nurture, to change, to open. It seeks to close, to give me permission to return to the darkness of my cave.

I do not have to go back from whence I came. Humility is something to be embraced, sought after. One step  at a time.






1 comment:

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

Resentments for me result in my in-ability to control someone else. In my eyes you should do what I want you to do. You are not playing fair if I do something you want you should do something I want, right?

I think resentments are what got us here. Great post.