"True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God." (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 125)
I struggled to get thoughts and emotions expressed last night and have returned to this blog to try to get them out here. Thoughts on the effort I am putting out trying to control my work situation and my income, all the while looking for balance with home life and recovery. All the effort with the corresponding lack of effect sets my emotions roiling, leaving me with a dark desire to numb out. All this manipulating I am attempting, trying to get the perfect balance, will eventually result in the production of enough self-pity that I will crawl back into the dark cave I once lived in before recovery found me. The caustic solution of alcohol, porn, and chat dissolving my life.
"When a job still looked like a mere means of getting money rather than an opportunity for service, when the acquisition of money for financial independence looked more important that a right dependence upon God, we were still the victims of unreasonable fears. And these were fears which would make a serene and useful existence, at any financial level, quite impossible" (121.)Financial security, a desire to make sure that my nest is warm and comfy as I get close to retirement, is at the root of my fears. The point of all this unsatisfying effort. The cause of the sharp arguments I have with my partner. Self-striving instead of right dependence opens up the abyss for me.
I will never be perfect. Six years sober and I struggle with fear, anger, and self-pity, but I need to remind myself that those struggles are not nearly at the level it was when I first found, by God's grace, into recovery. At a meeting a few days ago, someone spoke of the difficulty he had in coming to terms with his own characteristics, how being able to love himself, as he was, alluded him for years and years. Apparently, a journey that many of use take as we trudge down the road of life.
I am not going to resolve my issues here. I want to back off from my striving, putting myself back in God's hands. To continue on in faith. Joy and peace come not when I fight for them or demand them. But when I try to help others in my own way, with warts and quills.
Step Twelve: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."Just for today.