Depression has continued to dog me. This time round, I decided to chase the shadow, to go into it and find out if it has a bottom (apparently not.) Working with a councilor, we explored using the ideas of Carl Jung, James Hillman, and Thomas Moore. Using the premise that depression is not something to be cured, but something that can be lived with, integrated into one's life. I have a constant ringing in my ear, the specialist says the ear is damaged, it will always ring. If I focus on it, the ringing loud, able to keep me awake. If I can find a way to put the noise aside it does not impact my life, I can sleep well. The same with depression, I have danced with it for forty years. When I focus on it, make those feelings front and center, I struggle. The urge to drink, to act out on the internet, can become an obsession at those times when the feelings of depression engage me. We are finding a way though this, a strange journey. I never know where the next foot hold is going to be. Faith and trust.
God has kept putting people in my life that help me stay sober. Other men who have asked me to sponsor them, have given me such wonderful gifts. The opportunity to help start and being involved in a step study for men has giving me many opportunities for service, opportunities to stay sober. My home group and our local district have also given my opportunity for service. Helping others has been the best way to stay sober as I relearn how to navigate through life.
Grateful for the members of my home group who kept on loving me when I could no longer love myself. Who endured my resentments. Who teach me what love is.
I have learned to keep no secrets, not to let the ideas that pop into my head have any privacy. I need someone I can trust explicitly so I can be open and honest. My best intentions can kill me. I had secretly unpacked my suicide plan at one point, it was overwhelming me till I finally shared it with others, then it lost it's power. I love that bumper sticker: "Don't believe everything you think"
I am grateful for my partner who stuck with me through this painful period. It has been hard on her, I have been hard to live with. My ego has needed fresh deflation, I spend more time in the service of A.A., and my character is changing subtly. All difficult for our relationship. Yet we have managed to fall in love again, to have a new relationship.
I have also discovered poetry, taking some creative writing classes. Writing poetry has become a rich tap into my emotions, allowing me to see deeply. Reading poetry shows me that I am not alone.
Jung was right when he spoke of synchronicity. I think that God conspires to use the many elements that make up our lives to draw us closer to Her or Him.
"Bidden or Not Bidden, God is Present"