In God's Hands

Helping others the easy way.

2012-01-30T07:47:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've visited here, still sober, still clean.

Went back to an old place last night, after spending time with a new friend who is deeply struggling. The feeling of impotence, of being unable to resolve the pain they are going through, leaves me feeling sad and grumpy. It resolves to the place of "where is God?"

The only advice I could give myself is that we can stay sober, no matter what our circumstances are, if we stay close to our Higher Power and to our friends. That crawling back into our caves so we can feel protected from all the perceived evil that is out there is the worst option possible. We all go through suffering in our lives so best do it in the company of others. A.A. is called a fellowship for a reason.

I, at one time, deeply believed that prayer was about changing the circumstances we find ourselves in. That it was my job to persuade God to do different, make life easier for the one that was suffering. If my prayers were not answered according to my demands, then the fault was mine, that I was living in a fashion the displeased God and he was punishing both me and the person I was praying for because of my actions. It was always about me. I was the centre of action! (Think I should take a bow now.)

Today, prayer is about letting go and learning to trust. Trusting God to work through the circumstances to change us, change others. It was pain that brought me to sobriety, and that is true for most alcoholics, circumstances was the agent of our change.

There is a passage in the 12&12 on prayer. On page 104:

We also fall into another similar temptation. We form ideas as to what we think God's will is for other people. We say to ourselves, “This one ought to be cured of his fatal malady,” or “That one ought to be relieved of his emotional pain,” and we pray for these specific things. Such prayers, of course, are fundamentally good acts, but often they are based upon a supposition that we know God's will for the person for whom we pray. This means that side by side with an earnest prayer there can be a certain amount of presumption and conceit in us. It is A.A.'s experience that particularly in these cases we ought to pray that God's will, whatever it is, be done for others as well as for ourselves.

Step 11 is about prayer and mediation. We pray to understand God's will for us and for the power to carry it out. I recently read this passage attributed to Thomas Merton:

The will of God is not a 'fate' to which we must submit, but a creative act in our life that produces something absolutely new, something hitherto unforeseen by the laws and established patterns. Our cooperation consists not solely in conforming to the external laws, but in opening our wills to this mutually creative act.

No magic wands. Just trust and cooperation. Doing just my part, not God's part. My friend who is struggling will have to do the same. What happens is between him and his Higher Power. We get to watch lives change.

I think I'll leave the wishing well. Thanks for letting me share.

Relationships

2011-11-29T20:42:00.001-08:00

My mantra of choice was always “Leave me alone.” Fromchildhood, I have found the company of others difficult, akin to hanging outwith porcupines. I believed I was never treated the way I felt I deserved, never feltunderstood, never fit in. Until I foundout the power of alcohol, it performed social alchemy. I finally fit it, I feltnormal but eventually the boomerang came back. It lost the magic. Fast forward many years and then this description onpage 151 of the Big Book describes my experience well:

The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew fromsociety, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shiveringdenizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down.It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places,hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did -then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous FourHorsemen - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers whoread this page will understand!

I have often joked that the best think and the worst thingabout recovery was getting my feelings back. Truthfully, all those feelingscome from relationships. I like the quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupery, "Man is a knot into which relationships are tied." The joys and the pain that comes from hanging out withothers, with trying to live my life with another. I was really surprised howclear it was laid out on page 80 of the 12&12:

... defectiverelations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate causeof our woes, including our alcoholism ...

I have shared, in the past, of how I have left meetings with tearson my face because I did not get what I had hoped for at the meeting. One of the most powerful pieces of recoveryliterature (for me) was an essay Bill W. wrote, a meditation onlove, St. Francis, dependency, and depression. He wrote:

Suddenly, I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw hadalways been dependence, almost absolute dependence, on people or circumstancesto supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these thingsaccording to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them.And when defeat came, so did my depression.

There wasn´t a chance of making the outgoing love of St.Francis a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolutedependencies were cut away.

In the same essay, Bill W. gave me this wonderful bit fromhis experience:

Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritualdevelopment, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had neverbefore been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what grace I could secure inprayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off thesefaulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed upon any act ofcircumstance whatsoever.

Working the steps is not a simple task. It takes honesty,openness, and willingness. It is work and the results are deeply worth it. Billconcludes with:

Of course, I haven´t offered you a really new idea --- onlya gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own hexes´ at depth.Nowadays, my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosityor depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine.

Yes! Bright sunshine. Just for today.

Step 7 and Character Building

2011-11-26T07:35:00.001-08:00

Step seven reads, "Humbly asked Him to remove our short-comings." I have always taken this to mean that after I have discovered my short-comings in steps four and five, I say a simple prayer, trusting in my Higher Power to do the work, for I am powerless. And afterwards, when I still struggle with these defects of character, I just need to keep trusting and wait for God's time and place. In previous readings of step seven in the twelve and twelve, I've noticed the words "character building" but haven't paid much attention. In this current round of step work, those words seemed to be printed in bold face.

I found this definition on the internet:

"Character building" is experiences which teach you some of life's lessons; lessons like keep your word, pay attention, don't run with sharp objects. Many character building experiences hurt and may contain a "significant emotional experience". With a little good luck, you will live through them and be a better person. (Wiki Answers)

"Hurt" and "significant emotional experience", hmmm. That explains why I was avoiding looking at those two words. I've spent a lifetime running from pain and emotions and have continued to run, avoiding these in sobriety. On page 71 of the Twelve and Twelve, Bill writes that "we have lacked the perspective to see that character-building and spiritual values have to come fist." Pain and emotional experience have to come first?

Bill goes on with page 72, "But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness."

Yep, that's me.

"Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself, something we would like to strive for whether our instinctual needs were met or not."

Yes, very seldom.

"We never thought of making honesty, tolerance, and true love of man and God the daily basis of living."

Which is a really good definition of humility. Putting others and God ahead of me and my comfort.

But what does this mean to me in practical terms? Well, the other day we went for a walk to town while it was raining heavily. My partner brought her umbrella while I wore my rain gear. I am much taller than she which results in those protruding steel tips being at the same height as my eyes. I began to feel sullen and angry during the walk. I felt resentful towards her and the umbrella. I am reluctant to write just how strong those emotions were. The joy of the walk was gone, I was uncomfortable. Fortunately, I had just finished Step 7 and was trying to figure out how to put that step into action. So I kept my mouth shut, tried to stay connected to the conversation we were having, all the while being mindful of the umbrella. I find it difficult to carry those emotions around and not react to them. I have always wanted to run from feelings that are uncomfortable, often justifying my actions which allows me to push back. Truthfully, in the past when I have tried to dodge the feelings, I just created a worse situation. So this time, I kept my mouth shut, kept the feelings rumbling around in my belly and did my best to put my partner first. Good news is that I did not loose an eye or a relationship. As I kept on trying to work through these emotions, not trying to dissipate them with anger, I managed to keep her walk somewhat enjoyable despite the rain. Nor did I have to make a direct amend for an angry outburst.

And that's how I see character building in step seven. To keep on trying to have some humility, even as I struggle with emotional pain, to put the other first. Step seven is like all the other steps, my Higher Power does his/her part but I have to take responsibility for my part.

Henry David Thoreau is quoted as saying: "You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one."

Roses or Thorns

2011-11-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

Been a while since I've updated. Still working through the issues surrounding my interest in resentments. Working through the steps with a small group of men. Finished my fourth and am going to do a fifth step this weekend. Discovering that dealing with resentments is just like dealing with fears. I have to nip the thought at the bud, not to let it grow any further. The more I mull the resentment around in my head, the deeper it's hooks get into me, the more angry I become.

I have been reading a book of Rumi poems as part of my morning meditation. I came across some wonderful wisdom so I am going to give the rest of my post over to Rumi:

... Now, if you can look at the flowers in a garden day and night, why would you wander in a briar patch or a snake pit? Love everybody so that you may always stay among the flowers of the garden. If you hate everybody and image enemies everywhere, it would be like wandering day and night in a briar patch or snake pit.

The saints love everybody and see everything as good, not for anyone else's sake but for their own, lest a hateful, detestable image come into their view. Since there is no choice in this world but to think of people, the saints have striven to think of everybody as a friend, so that hatred may not mar their way. (The Rumi Collection)

Resentments

2011-10-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

As I endeavour to work through the steps again, this time focused on the topics of resentments, I am surprised at how much space the big book devotes to the topic of resentment. On page 64 of the big book, in the opening paragraph on step 4, it states "Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions." The book goes on to discuss the various manifestations of self by stating:

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.

On page 66 resentments are further discussed:

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

Someone penned the idea that resentments are a form of suicide. They hurt us deeply, can be fatal in nature. Can take us out. When I am resentful, I am retaking control of my life. I trust no one. Humility is long gone.

The humility that is needed to stay sober, stay clean disappears when I become resentful. On page 21 of the Twelve and Twelve:

We know that little good can come to any alcoholic who joins A.A. unless he has first accepted his devastating weakness and all its consequences. Until he so humbles himself, his sobriety -- if any -- will be precarious. Of real happiness he will find none at all. Proved beyond doubt by an immense experience, this is one of the facts of A.A. life.The principle that we shall find no enduring strength until we fist admit complete defeat is the main taproot from which our whole Society has sprung and flowered.

When I was deep into resentments earlier this year, I was sober but emotionally ugly. No love to give, just feeling deeply selfish and depressed. I needed to get out of there or I would drink.I could no longer trust in my Higher Power or in A.A.

I became open and honest about what was going on internally, and in doing so I gained perspective. Others could point out the delusions in my thinking. Others that patiently supported me, giving me space to work out my resentments, to see them for what they really are. If you are struggling with resentments, reach out and talk to someone, even if you can't seem to trust or hope. If you hold them inside, nurture them, help those resentments grow, it leads to very dark places. Stay in the sunlight!

Rumi wrote a wonderful poem on humility:

Love whispers in my ear,
"Better to be a prey than a hunter.
May yourself My fool.
Stop trying to be the sun and become a speck!
Dwell at My door and be homeless.
Don't pretend to be a candle, be a moth,
so you may taste the savor of Life
and know the power hidden in serving."

Psychology Today has a good article and self-test on resentment.

Odd?

2011-10-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

Coincidence can be defined as "the appearance of a meaningful connection when there is none."(Wiktionary) An example I can think of is an event that occurred a week before I was to celebrate one year in recovery. I had been arguing with my partner (resentments again!), I was tired of feeling my feelings, and I felt unworthy of taking a one year chip. The thought came up that if I took a drink, all three problems would be solved. She would punt me out of the house, I would feel better, and there would be no need to take that chip. I was feeling very excited about this solution when the phone rang and someone in the program was asking how I was doing and I spilled the beans. My partner was present with me as I took my one year chip, gratitude was the central feeling of the night.

When I was buried in my resentments of few months ago I was asked by a member of AA how I was doing. I retorted that I was fine, thank you. S/he replied "yeah, right!" and walked away. This is a member who had attempted a spectacular suicide at about seven years sober. A member who today exudes compassion and grace. A member who's storied jarred me, made me think about where I was going. We rarely come across each others path, just another coincidence.

Another member who asks for help, and in our talking, it becomes apparent that his delusional resentments are similar to mine. I'm looking in a mirror! Just another coincidence?

Members of my home group who listen to me spout my resentments but don't ask me to leave, ask me to stay and to work it out. More love and compassion. More coincidence at the timing and words.

I've been sober for a few short years. This week I started to look at all the coincidence's that have occurred during this journey and felt a bit astonished. Is there a meaningful connection?

Karl Jung used the term synchronicity to describe meaningful coincidence. Events that happen that are connect to the same source.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Perhaps there is very little credit I can take for staying sober. I get to work this program for all it's worth and God sets up the synchronicity!

One day at a time.

Insanity

2011-10-07T12:30:00.000-07:00

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Whenever I have an opportunity to share about Step 2, I speak of how I came to an understanding of what Higher Power means and is. Sharing on how grateful I am for finding a Power greater than myself. I have ignored the second part of the step, the part that speaks of the insanity. Hey, I had a problem with drinking and porning, but I was still sane. Insane people are crazy, you know, and I was not crazy.

I found a definition of insanity that works for me. It goes: “A seriously impaired condition of the mental
functions, involving the intellect, emotions, or will, or one or more of these faculties.” Okay, so my will power was useless in stopping, nor could I recognize any of my emotions, and my intellect had come down to the idea that ending my life was a viable option. So perhaps I have to concede that I was insane before I fell into recovery, after all I scored one hundred percent on the test. I still don't wanna say it, but.

So were is the insanity the last while. The months where I was struggling with resentments, with anger, self-pity, depression, and those flirting thoughts of the off switch? The thoughts that I would be better of without A.A., that a bottle of Shiraz would make a good friend.

Take a deep breath, Hank, pause and look at was a resentment is: "A deep sense of injury; the excitement of passion which proceeds from a sense of wrong offered to one's self or one's kindred or friends; strong displeasure; anger." Oh yah, I was passionate about my resentments this past while. They were true, you know. I believed them. Nothing wrong with constantly walking around feeling displeasure, anger, is there? Hey, if it feels good, do it!

I could not use intellect to dispel the resentments. Even know they were false didn’t stop them from
rising up and me believing them. Brain power does not avail. Resentments resulted in a lot of emotional
turbulence and putridity. The discomfort of the thoughts was not deterrent enough. It was if I invited
them in. Will power, not at all. Knowing how much pain it caused in my relationships, knowing how the anger I gave hurts my wife, knowing that resentments were a form of suicide, were and are not affective in preventing resentments from arising. Man, it was as if I were drinking again.

This thought pattern, this deeply negative ingrained way of thinking is insane. It seeks not to nurture, to change, to open. It seeks to close, to give me permission to return to the darkness of my cave.

I do not have to go back from whence I came. Humility is something to be embraced, sought after. One step at a time.

Copiousness

2011-10-02T11:01:00.000-07:00

I rounded the corner of the house, stepping into the backyard and noticed a black squirrel, walnut in mouth, running along the fence towards me. He/she (just how do you tell?) froze right beside me, about four feet away. I looked at the squirrel, and realized the creature was missing an eye. Couldn't see me. We both stood unmoving, me looking, the squirrel using whatever other senses it had to determine if I was danger or not. Then off it ran, down the fence and started digging in the neighbours garden to stash the walnut.

The neighbourhood is alive with the harvest of walnuts. Well, the crows and squirrels are busy. The occasional bang on the roof as the crows practice their bombing runs. The green debris of walnut skins scattered everywhere. I find great delight in all this activity. All through the summer, I laugh each time I pull up a weed in the garden and discover another sprouting walnut.

William James spoke of lightness, "Our errors are surely not such awfully solemn things. In a world where we are so certain to incur them in spite of all our caution, a certain lightness of heart seems healthier than this excessive nervousness on their behalf." Love how I have to work at lightness, how the gravity of darkness pulls so effortlessly. Good habits require determined effort that ultimatily buoy us.

Rumi keeps on coaching me, urging me forward and upwards:

Shams, why this inconsistency?
That we live within love
and yet we run away?
(The Shop)

I wonder how a one eyed squirrel still finds the courage to live, to venture out in the world, half blind to the dangers of eagles, hawks, and cats. I bet she/he wasn't thinking of the dangers at all, just caught up in all the walnutness of the world. So much abundance.

A design for living

2011-09-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

I often remind myself of a passage found on page 85 from "Alcoholics Anonymous":

We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities.

I have often told myself that my spiritual condition is a result of keeping up with prayer and meditation but I seem to be rediscovering what it is really about.

On page 14, I was struck with what Bill was thinking about as he lay in the hospital:

While I lay in the hospital the thought came that there were thousands of hopeless alcoholics who might be glad to have what had been so freely given me. Perhaps I could help some of them. They in turn might work with others.

That was not what I was thinking about when I sobered up. I was a bit more (well, a lot more) selfish than that. However, the passage continues:

My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that.

I am reworking through the steps with a few men and it feels good to start at the beginning. It's like the book as been rewritten and has new lessons to teach me.All through "The Doctor's Opinion" and through "Bill's Story" is a message of hope through a program of altruism. I have to laugh at myself and my struggles with resentments and fear these past months. Bill gives some great advice on page 15, advice I had inadvertently followed (to my benefit for I am still sober):

I was not too well at the time, and was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Many times I have gone to my old hospital in despair. On talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It is a design for living that works in rough going.

Thanks for letting me share.

Surrender

2011-09-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

What does surrender mean for me? "That I am no longer going to drive the bus" is the first thing that comes to mind. Then "Let go and let God", followed by "His will, not mine." On an other level, it is giving up the idea that my mind is the "sole purveyor of truth." Another idea I frequently have to yield is "others cannot be trusted." A difficult idea that I struggle with abandoning is that "I need the constant help of others" which distils down to "I cannot expect others or God to do for me what I have to do for myself."

A sponsor continues to ask me, "Do you want to be right or happy?" The fight to be right is part of that slippery path to resentments.

When I surrendered the fight over alcohol, admitted I was powerless and could not win, something happened. In the relinquishing of control, I could stop. When I finally delivered myself over to a Higher Power (which was at first the AA group.) I found that I had freedom from the obsession. I cannot explain what happened to my psyche or to my soul but I can share the first bit of advice I could accept from another recovering addict. He said, "If I wanted to make it through the day, try to help someone else make it through their day." For me, a much different approach than taking the day trying to prove that I was right to everyone who would listen.

Dr Silkworth, in a forward in the Big Book speaks of altruism. He speaks of how sharing our lives, our stories, with other alcoholics can keep us sober. He speaks of selfless giving and of the psychic change that comes as a result of surrendering. He speaks of the miracle his had witnessed. The forward is titled "The Doctor's Opinion."

One of those A.A. paradoxes, in that if we surrender, we are free. If we give of our selves, if we try to help others, we end up helping ourselves.

Imagination

2011-09-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

As I continue to battle with how I see myself and thusly the world around me I keep running into two things. Imagination is one and the proper use of will power is the other.

The big book provides me with a decent definition on the proper use of will power:

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. (Alcoholics Anonymous, p85)

I get the idea about service to others, without that part of the recovery toolbox I would probably be back out drinking and porning. And there was the unexpected bonus of learning so much about myself as I worked with others. However, this constant self-deprecation that I practice is probably not part of "How can I best serve Thee."

I have only recently taken up Meditation (again) and am amazed at the power of imagination. Why is it that when I imagine something dark, dreary, or heavy I jump to acceptance. When I imagine something light and hopeful I jump to "this is dumb."

I had shared something I had created yesterday with some others and was given lots of positive affirmation. Just a few short minutes later, a shroud of negativism enveloped me, telling myself that it was not nearly as good as everyone was telling me. And I went to self pity. Jeepers, why do I do that?

So, practising Stop, Drop, and Roll, I used the power of imagination to acknowledge what had truly been said and find the positiveness that had been shared. Twice more during the day that happened.

So a note to myself. The negative imaginings are no more real than the positive imaginings. It is beneficial and healthful to imagine positive stuff about my self and my Higher Power. When the negative comes, stop, take a few breaths, and let it go. The imagery of light, of breath, of hope and love is a good displacement. And it only takes a bit of will power to do so!

And if that doesn't work then pick up the phone. Hope seems to develop as I share with others.

Lighthouse

2011-09-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

In Rumi's poem "The Ruby" he advises:

Work on your stony qualities
and become resplendent like the ruby.
Practice self-denial and accept difficulty.
Always see infinite life in letting the self die.

..............

The light which shines in the eye
is really the light of the heart.
The light which fills the heart
is the light of God, which is pure
and separate from the light of intellect and sense.

It was a thought that I could once again walk in the sunshine that drew me to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The darkness of alcoholism and depression could not resist this spark of hope from my Higher Power. Following that light brought me to 12 suggestions that would remake the foundations of my life, allowing me to see myself in a new light. Fellow members of A.A. taught me a new language, a language of the heart, powerful and simple.

Recovery is about an alcoholic talking with another alcoholic. We share our experience, strength, and hope. We share our darkness and our fears. We share our light. Even as I enter in a period of heavy swells, I have to remind myself to stay open, honest, and willing. Not to keep any secrets. Not to let fear of others hold me captive.

Light comes from working with others.

Light in my heart
Light of my heart
Lightness of heart

There is more

2011-09-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

Step 3 suggests that we make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. For me, a decision to move on with the remaining nine steps and to try and follow God's will as I interacted with others. For more specific instruction I used the last paragraph on the bottom of page 62 of the Big Book:

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we hat to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Many good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we pass to freedom.

And that little reminder on page 63, "We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him."

I came to realization this weekend that Step 3 and Step 11 are much more that just how I interact with other people. In my struggles with resentment, anger and fear, there was more going on inside of me that just my struggles with others.

As I crossed the threshold of the labyrinth and started the journey towards the centre I was opening myself up to something much greater than myself, to the infinite emptiness of unknowing. In that expansive place, I could see myself as a child of God, bathed in Light; filaments of ancient stars. Imagining my Higher Power as loving, caring, compassionate, who at times can cradle me in those pair of hands and at others staying close to me as I felt the emptiness. Softly, gently, illuminating my journey.

How I see and love others, how I see and love this Power greater than myself, and how I see and love myself are all parts of God's will for me. Buddha is quoted as saying "You cannot travel the path until you have become the path"

I never have to arrive. I am a journey.

Surprised.

2011-09-17T07:11:00.000-07:00

At a meditation class I attended yesterday, the Chaplin spoke of trusting your instincts. My first reaction was no way. My second reaction was that I have no idea what she was talking about. What I do know is that I shouldn't believe my own thoughts and idea's and always check them out with your sponsor before you act on them. I have seen the damage done by resentments, both in my life and in the life of others. And the longer I am sober, the more well greased those resentments become, easily sliding into place, fully believable.

I also know that my rejection of what the Chaplin spoke of is also folly. Again, to trust in my own thinking is absurd. Probably the best part of the meditation class is we could not speak. Just had to listen.

And what came out of walking the labyrinth? That I struggle with trusting, that I need to see where the journey will take me. That I grasp.

And what did I hear in the moments my mind was quiet? Embrace the emptiness. Be still and know God. Let go. Trust. And as I sat, I became aware of this anger I carry beneath the surface. An anger that's always roiling through me. I was and still am surprised. How could I not have seen it? How did I manage to bury it so deep? Doesn't matter, I've seen it, felt it. So many resentments have sprung up from that well.

I am grateful for that experience. I am grateful I get to explore meditation again today. Forgiveness will be the intention today.

A still, soft voice.

humbly

2011-09-16T07:28:00.000-07:00

Since a child, I have imagined a Higher Power (God) as just that, someone with Power. Horsepower, strength of the physical kind transferred to the spiritual.Someone who, with just a thought, would transform my life and make me into someone who didn't struggle with addiction, with depression, and all these resentments. I could not see that I was just looking for the easy way out, which alcohol provided. I wanted freedom from pain and a guarantee the future is secure (and also become a hero at the same time.)

If I look back over the year before I was directed to A.A. and the years that followed I can see where my Higher Power intervened.Flotsam within the tides of words, a touch calling out to life, a shared voice for a different future, fireflies for illumination, blood calling to blood. All formed the soft fragile threads woven throughout the heavy texture of depression. They formed a chiffon of defence against the veins call for the micron edge of four ten stainless steel.The light was calling and still calls me forward today.

For me, God works in small, mysterious ways. I feel that he/she takes incredible risk working so discretely behind the scenes. Using our circumstances to touch us, change us, allowing so much time for the process.

So when I humbly ask God to remove my defects of character, it is the word humble that I need to emphasis. It's my Higher Power's way at my Higher Power's time schedule. In the mean time, I get to keep on being of service to others. It's a great way to smooth over the rough texture of me.

(Service started, for me, by getting the key to the meeting. Getting there early, unlocking the door, making the coffee, setting up the chairs, and greeting people as they arrived. It grew from there. No hero status here.)

gold

2011-09-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

We were reading the story of "Alcoholic Anonymous Number Three" yesterday when we came across something I have never noticed before. Bill W. was speaking to Number Three's wife and said, "The Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease, that I just want to keep talking about it and telling people." Amazing gratitude at work. The writer went on to say that Bill's statement is a sort of golden text for the A.A. program.

As I was stumbling through my resentments this year, caught up in the anger and self-pity, my Higher Power continued to present opportunities for service. Fellow members of A.A. and you bloggers in recovery have taught me (over and over) of the importance of service, especially when the journey becomes rough. I had somehow connects with a fellow who could trust no other thoughts than his own. He starkly reminded me of myself. His resentments were open and raw, he was struggling with aloneness, he had set himself apart from family, A.A., and the world. He eventually stopped talking with me because I would not agree that A.A. needed major transformation (even though I had wanted to change my home group.) It was the beginning of letting go of my own resentments. Of surrender and learning how to trust again. Trust my Higher Power, trust my fellow A.A.'s, trust the process of change. That process I see as precarious and ethereal.

This process of being with another, listening and sharing, trying to be open and honest, is life changing. I have no idea how it works. It works even when the connection is difficult, unpleasant. To do the opposite, to be in isolation, to trust only myself, creates burdens that grow. Connected with others, the process of ego deflation begins.

The kind of gold that doesn't come in impossibly heavy bricks but of the lightest of wafers.

A decision

2011-09-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

We were sharing on Step Three last night. "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." We had read the material out of "12 Steps and 12 Traditions" and had a most wonderful discussion.

I have funny ideas about faith. I want faith to be an emotion, a feeling, something akin to being high, to float in the presence of something much bigger than I. Imagine floating in a tropical sea, arms stretched wide, fingertips grazing the fluke of a great grey whale (benevolent, of course). That kind of faith would easily remove all my anxieties, my fears.

Apparently, I was/am a little off kilter. Faith is an action, a decision. Someone put it as plainly as "Step three is just making the decision to doing the remaining nine steps." It's a matter of the proper use of will power. I've written before about aligning my will with the Will of my Higher Power. It's a choice I make and have to remake each day.

Will I wilfully plunge into the darkness of sadness and depression, letting resentments float up out of the sea of self pity. Will I reach out to help another? To be of service, leaving the outcome of that offer to help up to my Higher Power. Will I seek out that thread of light that gives direction to my wallowing. If I stop, look, and listen, the world is not dark. I can find hope and courage.

And, to counter my own internal argument, it's not about becoming an automaton. On page 36 of the 12 and 12, one can find:

"The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. Therefore dependence, as A.A. practices it, is really a means of gaining true independence of the spirit."

We never have to walk alone. I have a choice.

Faith

2011-09-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

I sometimes see my recovery as a fragile, nebulous thread that is woven through my journey. A gossamer fabric, flexing with every puff of a butterflies wing. A shield of chiffon through which everything flows and nothing is hidden.

I crave solidness, weight, protection. No shield of denim or leather or even wood. The coldness of steel between me and you. Stifling security. Oh, to be a potentate.

Not to be if I want to live. Soap bubble film is all there is. To feel every emotion wash over me, to keep eyes open as life flows through. The hurt, the pain, the terribleness I flee, form the hands that work, moulding me, making me. Clay on a spinning wheel.

A touch of faith, an atoms breadth, creates an opening for courage to show. Unexpectedly, a gentleness, a patience, a forgiveness. Grace.

Dust

2011-09-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

Resentments bring a heaviness with them. A weight of shadow, coldness, and loneliness. Sluggishness and resistance are part of the baggage the resentment brings along. They provide planks to help build a platform of ego. Justified or unjustified makes no difference, a paralysis of recovery is the result.

A determination to chart my own path, to allow my self to plot my future comes from all this mistrust, anger and fear. This troubled trail construction is cunningly designed with just one outcome. A future that returned to the past. Just another cycle of resentments coupled with self pity that leads to a desire to drink, to porn. To feel trapped in the gravity of ego.

I came clean with my home group. At a business meeting, I laid out my concerns and just asked the other members what they thought of them. I tried to be open, telling them of the lack of trust I was feeling towards A.A., the abundance of fear and the depth of self pity or depression that came along with all of this. The aloneness that results.

Most of the members could agree with portions of what I spoke of, but none agreed with my totality. They gently spoke from their hope and experience, none judged or pushed. I sat, listened, and worked hard at keeping my resentments submerged. When all was said and done, not much changed except there appeared a mote of hope dancing within me. A lessening of self, an inexplicable shift. An understanding of what my first sponsor continues to teach me, "Do you want to be right or happy?" He also taught that "time takes time." Change comes to those with patience.

In the end, it's group determination, not my determination. Common welfare, not personal. Group consciousness, not consciousness of my own pain.

Beam of Light.

helping hands?

2011-08-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

After doing a fourth and fifth step in Alanon, I finally found the courage to admit that I was an alcoholic. I remember my first meeting clearly, but probably for the wrong reasons. I was full of fear when I went there, not knowing what to expect, not really wanting to be there. Still wanting to doubt that I was an alcoholic. A few people gave me a smile and a hand as I found a chair out of the way. I was identified as a new comer but when it was my turn to talk, I could not say the words that I was an alcoholic. When the meeting was over, I knew that I needed to talk to someone, that there had to be more than just attending this one meeting. I went over to speak with someone who had shared during the meeting and introduced myself, offering my hand. He stood there, quiet, looking at my hand and then at my face. Without saying anything he turned around and walked away. My fear and anxiety went through the roof. I stood for a couple of minutes and then left the meeting. My first meeting and I found no one to speak with after it was over.

I am very grateful that I went into a treatment centre, there to be taught about the 12 steps and the program of AA. After seven weeks with meetings everyday, I knew what my responsibilities were, what I had to do to stay sober. I went to meetings for the three or four weeks I had to wait before I could get into the treatment centre. Not once did I feel like I belonged at any of the different meeting I attended. I kept going because I wanted to live a sober life, kept going because I knew I was going for treatment, kept going because I wanted to make things better for my family.

I meet people who feel like an outsider at meetings. People who feel shunned for whatever reason. Never approached, never asked to share. People who are deeply struggling, full of resentments towards AA, people who disappear from the meetings, some who wind up dead. I get disturbed, resentful when I witness this. Men and women are not invisible just because their personality is abrasive or they are not working the 12 steps in the prescribed manner,.

I struggle with what is my part. I do my best to take the offered hand, to approach the one is openly hurting, to lend an ear so the hurt ones feel like someone is understanding where they are. I also carry resentments, especially to the old timers who tell the newcomer to shut up and listen, then walk away. There is a lot of confusion about what a home group should be about, how members are supposed to help the suffering alcoholic (who could be an old timer themselves, I spoke with someone who went back out drinking after 40 years of sobriety, all because of resentments.) When to let go of someone and when to help someone. Understanding the difference between the "stuff I should do for myself" and "needing help" to make changes in my life.

For me, this is a lesson in compassion and love. Stuff I don't have much of. I don't have answers. I know that I stay sober when I help others, that service can beat back the resentments.

But there should be more that AA could do? Isn't there?

Who's driving the bus?

2011-08-05T07:10:00.000-07:00

What is it with resentments these days? I seem to be full of them, my mind just dredging them up out of nowhere, a pall of negativity. I try to hide it from others, attempting not to let this negativity influence conversation and interaction. The ol' fake it till you make it trick. And I don't even want to mention how I react to others who have resentments.

Here's an example. It's my turn to set up the room for my home group meeting. Arrive an hour early, make the coffee, set up the chairs, put out the literature, set up for the chairman, just the usual stuff. Internally, I complained about the quality of the coffee, the difficulty of accessing the stored chairs, how hot the room was, and on and on. I ended up berating myself for having this constant stream of unhealthy thoughts and reminded myself of attraction before promotion. Arghhh. Nothing like healthy self-acceptance, is there. Never put me in a room by myself.

Earlier this year, when we were celebrating my fifth birthday in recovery, my sponsor mentioned that I hardly spoke of fear. He reminded me of how I used to live in constant fear, worrying about just about anything I could grab on to. Laying awake half the night afraid of whatever. I rarely do that to myself now, not that I couldn't go there, but somehow (I trust that the Potter was at work) I have somehow found a way to cancel the thought stream just as it starts. Grateful that my Higher Power has worked on this defect, all the while recognizing it didn't disappear overnight.

With previous step four work, I understand that under every resentment there is a fear. What I think is going on is a power grab. Self pity, disguised as resentments. Self pity, produced by fear that I'm not getting what I think I deserve. A power grab that would give me permission to drink and/or porn again, to numb away all this discomfort. An easier softer way.

That is not where I want to go. To live the remainder of my life sober, useful to others, having love and compassion are the desires of my heart. All I can truly muster at this moment is a small bit of faith that my Higher Power will remove this stream of selfish resentments in time. That I need to trust and be patient. Love and compassion.

One day at a time.

tying my own knots

2011-08-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

When thinking of how captivating my own thoughts and attitudes are, I was reminded of Chapter 3 of the Big Book with it's stories of how slips can happen with the craziest of thoughts. Sure, whisky, mixed with milk, sounds like a safe and nutritional way to drink. There is no possibility of going on a drunken spree there!

There was a time, just before I was about to celebrate one year of sobriety with my home group that I had a great idea. I was very uncomfortable with having to celebrate one year, feeling like I didn't deserve it, I was uncomfortable with the struggles I was having at home, and all these feelings and others that I was experiencing was just getting on my nerves. I was looking for a way out. Then I thought that if I had a drink, the 1 year problem was gone, my partner would kick me out of the house, and I would be feeling just marvellous. It is embarrassing to state just how elated I had felt when I found a solution out of the quagmire I thought I was in. Fortunately, two minutes into the elation the phone rang. It was a friend in recovery, and after a bit, I spilled the beans on my plan and sanity was restored. Celebrated one year and remained committed to restoring the relationship I was and am still in. Did I mention how good that elation felt?

I can't afford to keep anything secret. My idea's are still out to get me. There's a bit of good advice in the book of Alcoholic's Anonymous. It's found right after the promises:

This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code. (pg 84)

My thinking reveals my selfishness, dishonesty, resentments and fears. Seeing them is a Step 10 that I work with my higher power, sharing them with another person and making right the wrongs are important for me.

I am grateful for this process of writing. As a tool, it brings me clarity. Just as other folks share their story do. There is something about sharing.

Whom do I believe?

2011-07-31T10:00:00.000-07:00

I saw a bumper sticker the other day. It kinda said something like "one does not have to believe everything that one thinks." Made me laugh, seeing the truth that was on display for me to see.

Still sober, still clean since my last post in February. Can't say the journey has been easy but there has been some illumination along the way. Wonderful people cross our paths as we travel along, lessons appear in places where I would have never expected to be taught. Eventual gratitude mixed with the painful letting go of old idea's.

I had expectations that when I was sober five years that my thoughts would have been easier to corral. That I would have a better ability to see through my own bull shit. Not true. Nope. Apparently, the opposite is happening. Seems like I can experience a series of events and my brain constructs reasoning around all those events and I end up with a very justified resentment. I think I'm a reduction machine, taking unrelated (or somewhat similar) happenings and creating a single sentence "truth" that becomes absolute. Funny how that "truth" becomes a resentment which seems to always go to "people do not love me", and as I walk with that resentment I get to travel to "leave me alone." Just about left my home group over imaginations. Other imaginations creating difficult times between my partner and I, or my employer and I. The arguments I come up with are slick, my brain easily slides down that path, believing those arguments to be sincerely truthful. No warning signs within my own mind. "Danger, Danger."

There are ways to find those warning signs but that involves me actually talking with another human being. There seems to be a difference in the thinking of and the telling of. A difference between the thinking and the writing. Many in recovery have spoken of the dangers of a mind alone, how important it is to pick up the phone or single someone out after a meeting, to make that connection with another so that one's thoughts don't take one out.

When I found the courage to speak with some of those to whom I was developing resentments, stating the issues as I saw them and then listening to their side, the resentments dissipate. I may not agree with the person but I do find that they are not personally attacking me, they are just living life to the best of their ability.

One other way of living that helped me stay sober in the last six months was service. Working with others is a sure way of keeping my out of my own thoughts and in the literature. Attending meetings, even though I had no desire to be there, also helped my get through a rough patch.

I have no desire to drink but I have a deep seated need to be alone. A need that is not beneficial over the long term, a need that points back to drink. A need to numb. A need that chokes my voice. I don't have to give in to that need.

I appreciate this line from Tom Piazza's novel "My Cold War", 'The function of language has become primarily eliminatory, a lubricant to grease the tracks and get rid of complexities as quickly as possible, without having to engage them.' Engaging complexities means I get to look at myself in relationship with others and that, for me, is painful. However, the fruits of such labour are sweet.

Thanks for visiting.

Where am I going?

2011-02-09T06:59:00.001-08:00

Been thinking a lot about step 12 the past week. Only because I've been to a few meetings where step 12 was the topic. I was reminded of this event in my past.

I was taking a friend out to go prawning. I wanted to set the traps on a rocky reef about 6 kilometres from the boat launch. I could see a fog bank but that didn't deter me, for I had a compass and a depth sounder. We set out heading north, log booms lining the shore to our port, a dryland sort being close by. As we entered the fog, I noticed the compass heading and the direction the waves were coming from. I kept the waves off the same quarter of the bow, occasionally checking the compass. I noticed the compass was drifting off course, and decided not to trust it. I would use the waves instead. The compass continued to drift further and further off my course when suddenly the depth sounder started beeping, indicating the bottom was coming up. I slowed down and rocks and trees appeared through the fog. I had only travelled only half the expected time so I should have about 600 meters of water below me and there was 30. I finally recognized some landmarks on the island and realized that I had travelled in a large arc, ending up on the same shore from whence I started, still on the wrong side of the straight. Wondering how come I couldn't trust the compass, amazed that I would choose my own senses. So, choosing a new compass heading to get me where I wanted to be I set off, this time determined to trust that compass. We had travelled about half the expected distance, the compass still on course, when log booms appeared to us. My brain leapt to, "Your right back to where you started, travelling the same arc in reverse. Why did you trust the compass." I was bewildered. At that point, the fog decides to lift and I can see my prawing spot 3000 meters in front of us. The log boom we had come across was in tow, running down the centre of the straight to one of the saw mills. My faith in the compass was restored.

On page 62 of the big book:

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

One of the spiritual experiences I have had was discovering that if I allow my Higher Power to be the compass for my life, I get to where God wants me to be. If I keep following that heading, no matter how rough the path becomes, sometimes struggling just to get to the other side, my life turns out pretty good. If I choose my own heading, well, I just plain get lost. Where does God's compass usually point? Put others first.

I am grateful for my sobriety, for having come this far with God. Trudging this road with others, not having to be alone any more.

Unexpected Mirrors

2011-01-26T07:16:00.000-08:00

I don't travel well.I become fearful and tight, wanting to withdraw into me, not trusting anyone or my Higher Power. I become suspicious of all those around me. I doubt my ability to perform the tasks which my employer asks of me. In my head, I'm beginning to piss and moan. Poor me.All of these thoughts are unrealistic, delusional bull shit. A scarily unrealistic appraisal of God, the world around me, and of myself. Unfortunately, it's what's real inside those caverns of my mind.

So, here I am in a strange town, and off I go, fearful and untrusting,to a meeting where the topic was Step 5. This fellow was sharing about the troubles of AA's, how there are some defects of character that we can fail to see. Such as, how judgemental we are of others in the rooms. I was right in there with him, nodding my head, feeling like I was the one being judged in the room. How the people in this room were looking down on me. He went on describing how fear is the big motivator in the judging of others. I kept nodding, yeah, I was feeling afraid, uncomfortable in this room of folk I did not know. He prattled on for a while, gripping my interest, when the light went on.

In my fear, seeking self-protection, I was judging each and everyone in that room. I was finding them all wanting. I was back in that old trap of expecting others to do for me what I should be doing for myself.They, a group of men and women who are gathered together to stay sober one more day, were there for the same purpose. My fear hid that purpose from me.

The solution, prayer and service. I travel to this town in the hands of my Higher Power. Nothing evil is going to strike me here. The tables needed to be put away, the chairs stacked. Something I could do. My employer invited me here, having confidence in my ability to deliver.

My fear is corrosive. The antidote is faith. One day at a time. First things First.

Compassion

2011-01-16T08:03:00.001-08:00

Merriam-Webster describes compassion as a "sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it." Other words that convey something similar might be mercy, tenderness or soft-heartedness. I bring this up as a reminder to myself. There is a fellow I've known for the past couple of years who keeps on slipping. He gets of bit of clean time, relapses and tries again. Of course, I take his inventory; finding that he typically blames others for his slip, spends a lot of time blaming others for all his problems, and refuses to look at himself. I get hard-hearted towards him, wondering how he can stay blind to all his own defects. I see the pain he brings to his family, the hurt of the addiction spreading out to those who love and care for him.

As I meditate and write about this, I feel frustration and anger as a tightness in my chest. I see my own powerlessness to help him, I don't have words to describe how I sobered up, I can share my own experience, how the 12 steps brought me to a journey of sobriety, but I cannot have expectations that if he would do precisely as I did he would sober up.

My own experience shows me that recovery is cyclic. How many times did I vow to stop drinking, stop porning, only to find myself right back in the midst of activity that brought me unhappiness. It was only when I came to a place of great emotional pain that I became willing to do whatever it takes to get sober and stay sober. Someone said, "Life isn't meant to hurt you but you get what you need to grow."

I am grateful for the roll that pain and suffering has taken to bring me to sobriety. I have gratitude that there were men and women willing to share their stories with me, stories that guided me in my journey. They helped me to see the cages I had built and trapped myself in, showed me how to dismantle those barriers and start my life a new. How life is a journey, not a goal. The happiness is not a constant state, but comes and goes. That resentments kill, that I should look for my own part in them, for would I rather be happy or right? That reaching out to help others is the best way to help myself. That surrendering to a power greater than myself is a path to freedom.

In regards to a Higher Power, an old timer once told me that there there are two things I need to know. That God is and I ain't.

I will continue to spend time with this fellow, and if I don't feel compassion from the centre of my being, then I will fake it. I only have my hope and experience to offer. That and a listening ear.

On page 67 of the Big Book:

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

Trust

2011-01-06T07:21:00.000-08:00

I was at one of those meetings last night where things go a little sideways. Folk got pissed off at the chairman, uninvited cross talk was plentiful. People walked out of the meeting. There was someone there who was only at their second meeting. Lots of chaos and drama. I wanted to walk out, I was full of fear as I sat in my spot. I'm in a different town, the meetings and folk are unknown to me, I was way out of my comfort zone.

I stayed. I could see all the fear in the room. How every person in that room had the best interest of the new comer in mind and were pushing and shoving to make sure the meeting would be perfect for the new comer. All the drama was for nought, when asked to share, the new guy spoke well, breaking out into tears as he revealed his pain and suffering. I am so grateful for the program of recovery that I follow, that the meeting does not have to flow perfectly, that in all the chaos God is. Everyone in the room had the opportunity to share their hope and experience. It ended up a marvellous meeting, and I now have friends in a place where I was a stranger. I am grateful that my actions are less dictated by my fears and more by my Higher Power. I am privileged that I can see the right thing to do, that my fears do not have to give direction.

Page 67 of the Big Book reads:

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

The literature teaches me tolerance and acceptance. Some days I can practice it. Yay God!

resentment

2011-01-02T08:27:00.000-08:00

I've worked hard at finding some emotional detachment from my addicted child. I was able to find a measure of that difficult to find substance (detachment, that is) this past year but I struggled with what it brought. I found myself cold towards my child, unable and not wanting to be close. I wanted physical detachment as well, keeping lots of distance both geographically and emotionally from the child. It doesn't make for a relationship. It makes up for a big zero in relationships and created conflict in my family. Deep down, I loved this child, but fear, anger, and resentment have created this wall that I seemed to be unable to break down.

Recently, I was sitting with a group of men at a meeting and we were talking about resentments. Someone brought up a passage:

He said, in effect: "If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you sent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to hem, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, p552)

I decided to try this towards my child. I had always prayed that God's will be done and went no further. I added the prayer listed above and am happy to report that my attitude did change. It is much easier to love, to have compassion and understanding, to be detached and to care at the same time. The relationship is not perfect, but much better.

I hope that our new year is full of growth and opportunity. That recovery brings us maturity and renewed compassion for others. This hope gives me both excitement and fear. Fear because, for me, it's been the painful episodes of life that bring growth and opportunity. Excitement because those painful episodes bring growth and opportunity. One thing for sure, the new year will not be boring or safe.

I heard this at a meeting the other day, loved it:

"If your standing with one foot on yesterday and the other on tomorrow, your pissing on today."

Providence?

2010-12-29T08:06:00.000-08:00

Chris's post over at Last Chance got me thinking.

I've been thinking about one of the lectures I had heard while I was in treatment. One of the chaplains was speaking about what was meant by the term "God of my understanding". The only thing I really remember was that it felt like I was given permission to come up with my own understanding. I could let go of the fears and anger I had around the concept of God and start fresh. I dropped the lightening bolts, the punishing angry god, the "placate at any cost" ideas. I started using terms like compassion, patience, kindness, understanding, love.

Over the few years I've had in recovery, I had to blend in the idea that my Higher Power uses our circumstances to change me, to teach me. Sometimes the challenge was trying to figure out what the lesson is. I began to see that the most painful episodes in my life were the ones that facilitated growth and change. I also needed to remind myself that God doesn't create the circumstances, people and life do and to understand that my life isn't orchestrated by some being out to make life painful. But in those difficult times, I can grow and change if I am willing to work with the circumstances, not fight against them. Sometimes, it feels like I am being taken apart, with no idea what the out come is going to be. The only way to find out is to go through the experience, not look for a way out.

Thomas Moore, in his book "The Soul's Religion" writes it well:

When we disintegrate, going down into life and into our potential for vitality, we may have to give up the fantasy of ourselves as sentimentally whole. We may have to risk experience instead of keeping it at bay; for it is the impact of life and soul that make us into persons of depth and character. . . . We find our wholeness as we are peeled away, like an onion, with the process finished when there is nothing left to peel. Perhaps only then will we be moved to give up the idea of wholeness altogether, having disintegrated sufficiently to be touched by life, and are therefore empty.

winter solstice

2010-12-24T08:18:00.000-08:00

But now we see ourselves as chips off the same old block. At heart we had all been abnormally fearful. It mattered little whether we had sat on the shore of life drinking ourselves into forgetfulness or had plunged in recklessly and wilfully beyond our depth and ability. The result was the same--all of us had nearly perished in a sea of alcohol. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p123-124)

I was reminded at a recent meeting of how controlling fear can be, how I can become full of ego and ambition trying to alleviate my fears. In essence, keeping my toys to myself, not sharing, not playing nice with others, all the while justifying my behaviour. This was so deeply true when I was porning and drinking. Lesser so today, but on occasions still occurs.

Earlier this week I had forgotten a commitment I had made. Broke a promise to help someone. I was caught up in a bought of self pity, my mind whirling around self, and totally forgot about what I said I would do. Someone else was hurt. A trust was broken. Later I made the amends, spoke frankly with the person, and hoped that I had learned something. When my life becomes about me, shipwrecks occur.

Before I came into recovery, I see myself as nearly having perished in a warm soupy sea of self-pity. My world was so small when I immersed myself in porn. I felt safe and secure. Yet it was killing me and harming those close to me. I was deeply depressed, full of shame. In the end, I was ripped out of that dark womb, exposed to the cold air of reality and started to learn to live in the company of others. I was shown how to love and care for others. People shared their experience and hope with me and I started to change. I found I could live without those harmful dependencies.

I am far from perfect, still have the capacity to hurt those around me. Today, I carry lots of gratitude because I can love those around me as well. I can take time to listen, to help, to watch others change. All because others were willing to do the same. How cool is that?

Wisdom is knowing when we cannot be wise.

frontiers

2010-12-18T08:55:00.000-08:00

Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence--almost absolute dependence--on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression. (The Best of Bill. p55)

As I child, I must have had a strong sense of justice, since I felt that most things in life were unfair. My parents certainly did not treat me the way I thought people should be treated. That sense of justice carries on today, having the same feelings the other night, at a meeting, where the chairperson wasn't conducting the meeting the way I felt he/she should run the meeting. The feelings I experience were the same in both instances, I saw injustice, I felt as if I'm the victim, and then resentments started to spill over. As a child I stuffed my feelings and emotions, not able to trust anyone enough to share them, and ending up feeling uniquely broken. Today, I can talk about it with my sponsor or partner or another friend. Talking about it is important.

Bill W. speaks of emotional sobriety in the context of lessening our dependencies on people or circumstances. I can understand that. If I have no expectations on how people behave or act, if I can practice acceptance and compassion instead, I would have no resentments. Resentments, for me, spill over into self-pity, fear, or/and anger. Those emotions can come to a boil and I loose what ever emotional sobriety I carry. Step ten shows me my part in these resentments and I return to step three, once more turning my will and life over to a Power greater than myself. I get to do this a lot. I am grateful for these steps, for the literature of recovery, and for the people in the rooms (that includes fellow bloggers) who share their hope and experience. Walking in the light of the Spirit creates a wonderful paradox. I put my faith and trust in something I don't truly understand and in doing so I become more independent.

It's easy to be loving - what takes work is to be kind.

lucid

2010-12-12T08:30:00.000-08:00

Those moments between wakefulness and sleep have and do perplex me. When I fist became aware of those thoughts, I was taken aback. They were full of fighting, of violence, of disagreement, of anger. They were the opposite of how I see myself. I seek to be kind, compassionate, and patience, yet night after night, as I fell asleep, those thoughts keep coming up. I thought I was becoming unhinged, a fake, a counterfeit, who's real life was just a facade, hiding the cesspool.

I was reading "Life in a New Language," by Eva Hoffman (wonderful essay) and she was writing about, as she transitioned between Polish and English, the period between being awake and being asleep had become confused, not knowing what language to use. She describe those brief moments as:

"This interval before sleep used to be the time when my mind became both receptive and alert, when images and words rose up to consciousness, reiterating what had happened during the day, adding the day's experiences to those already stored there, spinning out the thread of my personal story."

I began to wonder what my thoughts were teaching me and as I did, I could once again see the fear that has controlled my life, how I want that control and was willing to struggle for it. I like the feel of solid ground beneath my feet, a vantage point, a fulcrum to move events from. Those thoughts that come to brain as I fall asleep were about feeling safe and sound, knowing that I controlled by own world. I know today that I don't.

I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable in this unknowingness but how I live and see life is improving and for that I am grateful. My thoughts betray that I am still in transition, still seeking the safety of childhood. Learning to let go and let God, to trust is ongoing. I pray each day for the strength to stay out of the way. I treasure what an old timer taught me about God, "Two things you need to know about God, He is and you ain't."

Spirituality is the ability to get our minds off ourselves.

dependency

2010-12-10T07:10:00.000-08:00

After we come in to A.A., if we go on growing, our attitudes and actions toward security--emotion security and financial security--commence to change profoundly. Our demand for emotional security, for our own way, had constantly thrown us into unworkable relations . . . Either we had tried to play God and dominate those about us, or we had insisted on being overdependent upon them (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p115).

We saw that we would need to give constantly of ourselves without demands for repayment (116).

we discovered the best possible source of emotional dependency to be God Himself . . . If we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well Play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care (116).

Sometime in my third year of sobriety I had walked out of a meeting with tears in my eyes. I wanted to quit the whole A.A. thing, I was full of emotional pain and the members of A.A. were doing nothing to help me relieve that pain. I found fault with everybody and everything and in all those resentments I had no place to turn.

I remember walking a long distance after that meeting, winding up at a beach. I sat, propped against a log, and read some literature similar to what is quoted above. As I thought about the words, I could see how I had, since childhood, played this silly game. I had always expected people to help me and then when I didn't change I could blame the people, not me. Blame fell on my parents, school teachers, friends, groups of friends, councillors, or my partner. They were messed up, not me. That gave me permission for self-pity of the worst kind, permission to drink, to porn, permission to build the walls that kept you from me.

When I came into recovery, I found that most members of A.A. did not appreciate the game (or if they do buy in, it's not for long.) That third year, members of A.A. taught me that it's not about the getting, it's about the giving. It's not about opening the meeting, setting up the chairs, making the coffee and then expecting a pat on my head. It was not about seeking the approval or nod from others that I was doing all the right things. It's about taking responsibility for myself, doing the work of A.A., and expecting nothing in return. (Well, that's almost true, I do expect that if I do the work, I get to stay sober for that day and that day only.) It's about growing up and letting go and finding trust in a world where I have no control. I get to become an independent me while find a faith and trust in something Greater than me.

When you get near to the end of your rope, let go.

source

2010-12-08T06:42:00.000-08:00

When a man or a woman has a spiritual awakening, the most important meaning of it is that he has now become able to do, feel, and believe that which he could not do before on his unaided strength and resources alone. He has been granted a gift which amounts to a new state of consciousness and being.

He has been set on a path which tells him he is really going somewhere, that life is not a dead end, not something to be endured or mastered. In the very real sense he has been transformed, because he has laid hold of a source of strength which he had hitherto denied himself. (The A.A. Way of Life: A Reader by Bill, p85)

One of the things I appreciate about this journey in recovery is the ability to look at circumstances and change how I feel about them. Yesterday, I was having a good day but later in the afternoon I started to feel sad, almost akin to depression. I wondered what had happened, what had changed, for the serenity that I was given in the morning had vanished, replaced by self-pity. As I took the time to review the day, I realized it was just one conversation, a conversation where I had realized that my expectations on a future opportunity were incorrect and that the task would be much more difficult that I had realized. I had shrugged it off but I guess it continued to nag and eventually I just felt sorry for myself. Once I could see this, I could use the tools I was given in A.A. and after sharing this episode with another, the mood lifted and I am once again looking forward to the upcoming challenge.

Dealing with emotions is usually not that easy. I floated in depression for years and still struggle with it in sobriety. Thankfully, I am not alone. In the hands of my Higher Power, in the company of good people, with love and compassion all around, the journey is possible.

indications

2010-12-06T20:55:00.000-08:00

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by as strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions (Alcoholics Anonymous, P63-64)

I am am grateful for the twelve steps, how they seemed to be able to unlock the door to who I am and why I behave the way I do. Patterns that I developed as a child, that I never out grew, never could recognize, had the light shone on them and my fears stood out in stark relief. It was the beginning of change. I grow and change slowly. But when I am fearful, I recognize it quicker than I used to. I can see the pattern and then choose not to follow down that path. I used to feel like there was this rut in my head and I had no choice but to follow it to the end but today I feel different. I can reach out for help, to another human, to my Higher Power. I can recite the serenity prayer, the slogans seem to come into my head without effort. I don't have to be that helpless child.

I still slip into old patterns but can slip out of them easier. Progress, not perfection.

Pain before sobriety and pain before serenity.

Coexist

2010-12-05T08:01:00.000-08:00

We found that the principles of tolerance and love had to be emphasized in actual practice. we can never say (or insinuate) to anyone that he must agree to our formula or be excommunicated. The atheist may stand up in an A.A. meeting still denying the Deity, yet reporting how vastly he has been changed in attitude and outlook. Much experiences tells us he will presently change his mind about God, but nobody tells him he must do so.

. . . we make no religious requirement . . . all people having an alcoholic problem who wish to get rid of it . . . become A.A. members by simple associating with us. Nothing but sincerity is needed.

In such an atmosphere the orthodox, the unorthodox, and the unbeliever mix happily and usefully together. An opportunity for spiritual growth is open to all. (The A.A. Way of Live: a Reader by Bill, p158)

I am grateful for the changes in my life since I started "associating" with A.A. Even though I could not describe my Higher Power, when I turned my will and life over to God's care, when I started to take direction from Something other than myself, it started to get better. Not quickly, not how I imagined it or expected the "better" to look like, but serenity started sifting in.

I am grateful that I don't have to believe in a specific way. Grateful that the founders of A.A. had the foresight to help us all.

But for the grace of God.

New glasses

2010-12-03T07:52:00.000-08:00

The other evening, I'm sitting at a meeting, taking inventory of others. I was in a pissy mood and I was doing what I do best, using my insides to judge everyone else's outsides. I was being particularly hard on one person. I try my best not to do this internal judging but it seems to flow when I'm stuck in self-pity. Feeling depressed brings out the worse in me and I have to go back to "fake it to you make it." Those judgmental feelings just suck out all the joy in a meeting. Compassion seems to be hiding under a big rock, the one covered with sharp edged barnacles.

Then this person whom I was judging, whom I felt was not compassionate or understanding enough was asked to speak. They spoke of how dangerously close they were to a slip. There had been some major life changing events and their whole world felt unstable, slippery. This person was so grateful to be at a meeting with the chance of staying sober one more day.

Well, what a dork I can be. In the good ol' days, I would have carried on in my self-pity, wondering why that person couldn't see that I was struggling more than they. But today, my heart can soften, the compassion and understanding can flood in, and I can care. I can reach out. My Higher Power does for me what I cannot do for myself. That crappy meeting was transformed into one of the best ones.

David L., over at IOCC wrote:

We are all on the same path, headed for the same ultimate destination. Some began the journey sooner, some later. There are of course crossroads and interchanges that take us off in directions that lead nowhere or that after much traverse bring us back to the path upon which we began.

chivalrous

2010-12-02T08:01:00.000-08:00

In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometime be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits. (Alcoholics Anonymous, p61)

This description of the person who is trying to run their own lives intrigues me. In the latter years of my drinking and porning, I kept on hanging to the illusion that I was a nice guy. I really thought I was modest and self-sacrificing. It was much easier to be kind and patient knowing that I could drink soon. Just knowing the full glass was coming my way made it possible to endure all sorts of events and issues.

In the period where I had stopped drinking but had not discovered A.A. my life started falling apart. I could no longer maintain that facade. My anger kept boiling out, I had no patience. I could not understand why my relationship with my wife was deteriorating, even though I had stopped drinking and porning. I kept blaming everyone else for my problems.

I am so grateful for coming into the rooms of A.A. To see my problems as my problems. To learn to take responsibility for them and to start to mature at last. To discover that the solution for my problems is in helping others. To form a relationship of trust and faith in a Power greater than myself. To find honesty, openness and willingness. To realize that I am not perfect today, never will be, and that my life is a journey of discovery and growth. I have been given so much!

A.A.= Altered Attitudes

impetus

2010-12-01T08:20:00.000-08:00

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run of self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. (Alcoholics Anonymous, P60)

I never noticed the term "self-propulsion" before. But it does fit with how I have lived (and still, upon occasion, do.) Pushing myself through life, doing what I needed to do to "take my comfort". I would spend an evening drinking, looking at porn, chatting on the internet, completely numbing myself, blissfully unaware of how much I was hurting my partner, my children, my friends. It was all about "taking", all about me. There was an outward appearance of kindness and concern for others (I only assume this for many were surprised to hear of my addictions) but inwardly, I was hurt, emotionally unstable, depressed, and I wanted relief anyway I could find it. Gratefully, my Higher Power intervened and I was dragged into sobriety and now I would like to stay.

The revelation in Dr. Bob's life came when he made his second discovery: that spirituality couldn't be absorbed by someone emulating a sponge, but that one might find it in healing and helping to free those afflicted and in bondage. (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, P306)

"I'm in pain when I'm in my own will."

indirect

2010-11-29T18:15:00.000-08:00

Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

The night, when I was in treatment, I turned my will and life over to a Power greater than myself, the obsession to drink was taken from me. I became willing to work the program of A.A. to the best of my ability and my life started to change. Later in recovery, steps 4 and 5 revealed how much fear and self-pity ran my life. How these emotions, with me since a child, provided the impetus to make decisions to protect myself at any cost. I had hope and expectations that fearfulness and self-pity would have been taken from me, much the same as the desire to drink had been taken from me. Alas, they still plague me. Not as strongly as they used to but they still are a part of me.

If I want a guaranteed out, I will be disappointed. When I did my step 3 prayer, I had no idea if my life would change, I had nothing to loose and everything to gain. In my surrender, in my admission of powerlessness, my Higher Power did for me what I could never do. Now, with steps 6 and 7, I have brought my expectations with me, and I get full of self-pity the next time I struggle with fear or anger, wondering why I'm still stuck with these defects. Why why why. And there is no answer to the whys. It boils down to what my first sponsor would harp about all the time: "Time takes time, if you want what I have then put 20 years of working on sobriety into your life, there are no short cuts." Someone else said: "slowly, simply, subtly, you life will change. Others will see it before you do." Another reminded me that patience and trust are important in my relationship with my Higher Power.

Today, I understand step 7 as: "Without expectations, asked God to remove our shortcomings."

Today I have more solutions than problems.

aloofness

2010-11-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

Since our Tradition on anonymity designates the exact level where the line should be held, it must be obvious to everyone who can read and understand the English Language that to maintain anonymity at any other level is definitely a violation of this Tradition.

the A.A. who hides his identity from his fellow A.A. by using only a given name violates the Tradition just as much as the A.A. who permits his name to appear in the press in connection with matters pertaining to A.A.

The former is maintaining his anonymity above the level of press, radio, and films, and the latter is maintaining his anonymity below the level of press, radio, and films--whereas the Tradition states that we should maintain our anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, p264)

When I read the line about "it must be obvious to everyone who can read" I was on the offensive. I jump to feeling stupid. The unhappy kid within my jumps to the forefront. Just take a breath, Mr. Indistinct.

Views on what anonymity means various from member to member. Lots of opinions and since I'm the type of guy who's opinion seems to be the last one he heard it can get confusing. I understand about maintaining anonymity at the level of press, radio and films (and this blog because of it's public platform) but withholding my last name within my group or the A.A. community that I live in seemed to be of importance (for self protection, fear based) to me and to a lot of others. Dr. Bob is saying otherwise and if I can get past my resentments to his opening and just listen, I can understand the importance of sharing who I am. Without my last name, I am impossible to contact. How can I be of any help to anyone if no one can find me.

So, when sharing one on one, I will offer my full name and phone number when reaching out my hand to help another (while feeling just a bit fearful).

Trust God, clean house, help others.

perturbation

2010-11-26T08:34:00.000-08:00

"the basic cause of addiction is predominantly experience-dependent during childhood and not substance-dependent" (Vincent J. Felitti, MD. The Origins of Addiction, Evidence from the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study).

I had an epiphany a while ago, of how my emotional reactions today mirror my reactions as a child. Any conflict I have with others seems to boil down to feelings that I am not heard, that I am not valuable, that the wishes of others is always more important. I go to self-pity, anger, and fear. I want to scream out "leave me alone." I seem to be wired that way, for I go down that path, over and over again.

I am grateful for the recognition of that process. The creation of feelings that are almost always intense and overwhelming. Greatly out of proportion for what's really happening. The process that creates a lot of conflict between my partner and I. I'm grate for the program of recovery provided by A.A. that helped me recognize my emotions and what they were about. Grateful for the toolbox given to me to deal with life, to finally starting to gain some emotional stability. (Yippee)

Change is a process, not an event

inebriety

2010-11-25T07:12:00.000-08:00

Mental Drunkenness: In spite of all knowledge some of us wilfully continue in self-centeredness. We ignore our mental illness. Alcoholic thinking displaces humility, and we return to physical drunkenness through lack of spiritual growth and understanding.

Looking at our failure, we discover we have built up resentment, self-pity, and physical or mental exhaustion, and our faith in a Power greater than ourselves was inadequate.

We should never forget physical drunkenness is always preceded by mental binges that end in spiritual blackouts. They leave us blind and helpless . . . (The Little Red Book, p30)

Love that term, "spiritual blackout." I can relate to this passage so well. When I am struggling, serenity long gone, I am usually not the first to recognize it. I'm roiling along in self-pity, or seething in resentment and I think everything is okay. The only way I usually see what's going on inside my head, to have my vision restored, is by sharing with someone what's going on inside. When I talk it out, with a sponsor or friend or stranger, sunlight comes streaming in again.

There has been a few times when my thinking is totally wacked and the phone rings and I was spared the trouble of going out for a drink to relieve my emotional pain. Were those phone calls coincidental. I think not. Sobriety, for me, is a gift from Something outside of myself.

It's easy to be loving--what takes work is to be kind.

acquiescence

2010-11-24T07:00:00.000-08:00

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people.

We agnostics and atheists were sticking to the idea that self-sufficiency would solve our problems. When others showed us that "God-sufficiency" worked with them, we began to feel like those who had insisted the Wrights would never fly (Alcoholics Anonymous, p52).

My recovery began at a moment when I was sitting in a circle with about twelve to fourteen others, still trying to convince myself that I was right and they were all wrong. Then a thought popped in about the insanity of my behaviour, how fear had me glued to old behaviours. I decided to take a chance, to listen and act on what these men and women were telling me, and my life began to change. It was embarrassingly difficult to let go of my deemed "essential truths." I admire others who have also done that, finding the courage to work through their fears and "let go".

I still bristle around God talk when others try to define who God is or what I should believe. I have a lot of letting go still to do. Yet prayer is an important part of my day. Each morning and each evening. The morning is about yielding and letting go. The evening is about gratitude. It's about continuing to deepen my trust in Something greater than myself. I am grateful that I rest in the Potter's hands, for change, and for the penetrating power of good ideas.

The price for serenity and sanity is self-sacrifice.

yield

2010-11-21T08:19:00.000-08:00

Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and the people about us as they are. This is to adopt a realistic humility without which no genuine advance can even begin. Again and again, we shall need to return to that unflattering point of departure. This is an exercise in acceptance that we can profitably practice every day of our lives.

Provided we strenuously avoid turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional health and therefore spiritual progress can be built. (The A.A. Way of Life, p44)

I really like what the passage states but find it difficult to practice. To return to that place of acceptance of circumstances, people, and myself requires real effort. And it's just like the writer had a view of my mind because there are times when I want to give up and do nothing, for what is the use of it all. Thankfully, after sitting in my own poo for a while, I want to clean up and get going, starting fresh. I have experienced the joy, peace and serenity that sobriety offers and have been given the tools to keep growing and changing. Increased emotional health is a wonderful promise that encourages me to keep going. Spiritual progress is a bonus!

When you accept others, you accept yourself.

mindfulness

2010-11-20T09:06:00.000-08:00

These feelings [fear, anger, fatigue, emotional stress, and tension] were once relieved by drinking. We cannot ignore them now and expect to function normally or attain that degree of spiritual or mental efficiency which composure would bring us. (The Little Red Book, p108)

The Little Red Book suggests taking a break, a quiet time, whenever we start to get out of kilter. This is something I don't do often. The usual state is to keep stuffing the feelings, ignoring whats going on in my brain, heart and spirit and just plough through the day on self-will. Sometimes I make it and sometimes I come apart, the proverbial bull in a china shop. Happy I got through the day without drinking but wondering why my partner is in the other room crying. I am grateful that the 12 steps afford me the room for self-discovery, for finding out what makes me tick, and, for what seems the first time in my life, to grow, and change.

Dr. Gabor Maté, in his book, "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts," states:

Once more, the release of addiction's hold requires awareness: awareness of where we keep ourselves hobbled and stressed, where we ignore our emotions, restrict our expression of who we are, frustrate our innate human drive for creative and meaningful activity and deny our needs for connection and intimacy. In the ecology of gardening it is not enough to pull up the weeds. If we want something beautiful to grow, we have to create the conditions that will allow it to develop. The same is true in the ecology of the mind. (p379)

From adversity comes strength.

vicissitude

2010-11-19T07:55:00.000-08:00

Let us never fear needed change, Certainly we have to discriminate between changes for worse and changes for better. But once a need becomes clearly apparent in an individual, in a group or in A.A. as a whole, it has long since been found out that we cannot stand still and look the other way.

The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails. (The A.A. Way of Life, p115)

When I think of change, I think of reluctance, driven by fear. Been that way most of my life. Just stick with what I know. I admit that I would hope that change for me would be initiated by someone else, anybody else, everyone else, I had this mistaken core truth that I couldn't change myself, someone else would have to at least start the process. A parent, a partner, a boss. I seemed to have emotional dependencies upon others, dependencies that would eventually bring me more pain.

If I would like to change (for the better) then I get to do the work. Others can and have shown me what the work is, but I get to do it. Others will always fail me. Change comes when I put the effort it, put my trust is Something greater than myself, and don't give up when the going gets tuff.

"I need all the help I can give."

Malady

2010-11-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that stte, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How cold we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We cold not wish them away any more than alcohol.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. . . . We avoid retaliation or argument. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 66-67)

One morning I'm feeling on top of the world, the next morning I sit here full of anger, fear, and self-pity. Feeling trapped and hopeless. Same feelings I carried as a child. Same stuff exactly. When these feelings take charge, I get that good ol' lonely feeling. I am grateful they are only feelings, that they will pass. That there will be a resolve to the issues that are occuring. That I will reconnect with the people around me. I don't have to drink because I hurt. Just trust and reach out.

Just for today.

Inklings

2010-11-17T08:48:00.000-08:00

But the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic. It meant I would have throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window. That was not easy. But the moment I made up my mind to go through with the process, I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be (Alcoholics Anonymous, P42).

I was reminded of how I felt when I was in very early recovery. How I had to rebuild my "life truths", getting rid of those that harmed me, replacing those with others that gave me a reason and a way to live alcohol free. To find a way to live courageously, in spite of the lingering fears that fill my life. I agree with the writer that I found relief when I made the decision to give up and try something new. A belief in a Power greater than myself and a focus on others instead of myself are key to my recovery.

I still have to be aware of what my conceptions are. Just because I think it doesn't make it an essential truth. I can still fall into old thinking patterns or new self-destructive ones. There is a need to constantly challenge my thoughts and there is an added benefit of continued growth and nurturing. Just part of the journey in which openness, honesty, and willingness are key. Walking that journey with others is also important.

Think, think, think.

Influence

2010-11-14T08:23:00.000-08:00

The passage from this mornings Daily Reflections:

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. (Alcoholics Anonymous, P86)

Funny, how in the past, when confronted with a decision I didn't want to make (any choice regarding life), I would find relaxation in a bottle. Procrastination, avoidance, drunkenness, self-pity, guilt and shame all rolled into one. How I would lock horns with my spouse, she wanting to move on, me full of fear. All I wanted was the darkness that came with passing out. This scene occurred many times in my life.

No longer do I hide in the bottle but I still don't relax and take it easy when it comes to decision time, but it's getting less fearful than it used to be. I can allow myself to make mistakes while unsure of the outcome. Sometimes, I can let go of the reigns and let someone else make the decision and be comfortable with that. Sometimes, I can pray and ask for help. My journey of life has no ending, I do not arrive anywhere. But I grow, being nurtured in the Hands of God, through the wisdom of people all around me. Slowly, simply, subtly, we change.

Take it easy.

without presumption

2010-11-13T08:08:00.000-08:00

As he [Dr. Bob] said, this was not "the fake humility of Dickens's Uriah Heep." Nor was it "the doormat variety . . . I'm talking about the attitude of each and every one of us toward our Heavenly Father." said Dr. Bob

"Christ said, 'Of Myself, I am nothing -- My strength cometh from My Father in heaven.' If He had to say that," Dr. Bob asked, "how about you and me? Did you say it? Did I say it? No. That's exactly what we didn't say. We were inclined to say instead, 'Look me over, boys. Pretty good, huh?' We had no humility, no sense of having received anything through the grace of our Heavenly Father.

"I don't believe I have any right to get cocky about getting sober," he said. "It's only through God's grace that I did it. I can feel very thankful that I was privileged to do it . . . If my strength does come from Him, who am I to get cocky about it?" (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, p222)

When I first read this, I bristled over the religious language and example used by Dr. Bob. (Contempt prior to investigation?) I reread it, and could see all the truth in what Dr. Bob was say. I don't know how I got sober. I could not have gotten sober on my own. How did I get sobriety when people around me are dying in their addictions?

Regardless of what my concept is of a higher power, humility (on my part) is an important part of that relationship. I am deeply grateful for the changes in my life. I am grateful that somehow I was given the courage to face my fears. I like how Dr. Bob noted it was a privilege. When I turned my life and will over to a Power greater than myself, the world (as I knew it) shifted.

Thank you.

The erring member

2010-11-12T07:29:00.000-08:00

About Akron A.A.'s break with the Oxford Group, very little was set down in writing. Nor did Dr. Bob ever say much about the matter -- remembering to "guard that erring member, the tongue." (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, P212)

Not everything that rolls around in my head needs to continue out of my mouth. There is a valve that controls the flow of words. For me, the greatest challenge is "justified resentments." Keeping my thoughts to myself, preventing my words from portraying myself as a saint and another as downfallen, is an important part of humility. The break with the Oxford Group must have been a painful episode in the history of AA, yet there is very little recorded about the event. There must have been wheel barrows full of resentment at that occasion. A.A. survived and my respect for Dr. Bob continues to increase as read of him and see his humility in action.

There is another part and that is when I need to give my opinion, even when it is contrary to those around me. Especially during the business of A.A.. Concept V:

Throughout our world service structure, a traditional "Right to Appeal" ought to prevail, thus assuring us that minority opinion will be heard and that petitions for the redress of personal grievances will be carefully considered. (Twelve Concepts for World Service, P22)

There are times, that no matter how uncomfortable I feel, I need to speak my opinion when the minority voice is asked for. I've witnessed votes swing in the opposite direction after people have shared from their hearts.

So, there is a time to talk and a time for silence and wisdom from a Power greater than myself to help me understand and decide what to do.

Returning trails

2010-11-10T08:12:00.000-08:00

Honesty, openness, and willingness are among the most valuable tools that we have in our spiritual tool kit. Even if I'm running off on a tangent, looking for something that simply that does not exist, I’ll run headfirst into the lesson that I’m supposed to learn. As long as I practice the HOW of the program I will be taught.

I was on a quest. What is meditation? What religion has the best type? Which form will make my life easier? I wanted the how, what, why, who, where, and the when of it all. I wanted answers and I was going to keep on digging until I found all the answers. I was struggling with that half of step 11 and wanted relief. That is why I started to write in this blog again. I hoped to resolve this issue once and for all. (I’m blinded by all the I’s in this paragraph.)

I was listening at meetings when the topic was Step 11 and almost every speaker said that prayer was about talking to God and meditation was about listening. None spoke of what their practice looked like. I wanted nut and bolts, please. Did you sit on a pillow, did you concentrate on your breath, did you contemplate a passage, did you, did you? I was looking for the pamphlet on conference approved meditative practices!

And then a reading from “Daily Reflections” earlier this week pointed me at this passage:

Meditation is something which can always be further developed. It has no boundaries, either of width or height. Aided by such instruction and example as we can find, it is essentially an individual adventure, something which each one of us works out in his own way. But its object is always the same: To improve conscious contact with God, with His grace, wisdom, and love. And let’s always remember that mediation is in reality intensely practical. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p101)

So I returned from my quest understanding that ultimately I get to work out my own way, there is no “right” way. Just as I had to work out “the God of my understanding”, I need to work out my meditative practice. I return from my quest grateful for the answer and with a new sense of responsibility that I need to make the effort myself. Now if I can just remember to keep it practical.

Thanks for letting me share.

Photo Credit: -Snugg-

Thy will be done.

2010-11-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

We will want the good that is in us all, even in the worst of us, to flower and to grow. Most certainly we shall need bracing air and an abundance of food. But first of all we shall want sunlight; nothing much can grow in the dark. Meditation is our step out into the sun. How, then, shall we meditate?

The actual experience of meditation and prayer across the centuries is, of course, immense. The world's libraries and places of worship are a treasure trove for all seekers. (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, p98)

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "The will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
It works -- it really does. (Alcoholics Anonymous, p87-99)

" When I started, they stressed morning quiet time, daily reading, and daily contact. They also told me I had to do something about my alcoholism every day." Duke remembered taking a poll of "slippers" in the early 1940's and finding that they had all stopped having their morning quiet time. "Now, after 38 years, Katie and I still have our quiet time and morning reading, " he said. (Interview of Duke P., Dr Bob and the Old Timers, p150-151)

There is so much information on Step 11 in the literature of A.A. What there is not is a clear and concise definition on what meditation means. There is that pointer to check out the world's libraries and places of worship. Lots to explore and there is no right answer.

Photo Credit: Stuck in Customs

No Answers.

2010-11-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

A few of us were talking about how it came to be that we were given this priceless gift called sobriety. The question arose after talking of a few people who were lost to the disease of addiction these past months. Good men and woman who are no longer with us. We questioned why it was that we were still alive, still sober, experiencing life as we've never lived it before and these people were not afforded that gift. We never figured out a good answer.

I have a lot of gratitude for what happened in my life. That, somehow, something reached through that deep dark sea of sadness where I lived and touched me. That something could break a part the lies that supported what I deemed my essential truth. I believed that I was of no importance, that I would fail to ever sober up or get my act together, that I was better of dead. I was strongly, deeply, hooked into those lies.

It was not a flash of light operation to change those thoughts. It was the men and woman in the 12 step programs I attended that patiently loved me, persisted in talking with me, and led me into a new way of living and seeing. They gave me new pillars of truth upon which to build my life. I was given meaning and purpose. Eventually, I came to believe in a power greater than myself who's direction I also came to trust. The people in the rooms (and that includes fellow bloggers) told me to be of service, to reach out to others, that service is the best guarantee of sobriety. These same people showed me what unity means, how I get to be part of the we. I no longer had to be alone.

My family loved me through a most pain period. Those relationships that I was so willing to give up are now an important part of my life. I can newly understand the importance of family, of the love and support that we give each other. The laughter of grandchildren can be so wonderfully overwhelming.

I still, on occasion, want to slip back into the old ways of seeing the world. Sadness, anger, self-centeredness are only a resentment away. Again, it is the wisdom of the rooms that share the tools I need to stay sober one more day. I am never cured. A daily reprieve, based on my spiritual condition, is all I receive. One day at a time.

I'm not special. I'm not more deserving than anyone else. Yet, here I am.

I carry a deep sadness for the loss in our community. The latest was one with whom I shared the rooms. His wisdom helped me to stay sober and now he's gone. There is no answer. Not for any the questions.

Just for today.

Photo Credit: Carla Carvalho Tomas

roots on the path

2010-11-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

Seems like I'm falling into an old trap, looking for just the perfect way to do something, getting bogged down in the details and then giving up. In continuing to research the subject of meditation, I wanted to know what it meant in early A.A. I ended up more confused, resentful, and resigned. In my previous post, I wrote about doubting that I could hear directly from my Higher Power, that I would have to be content in accepting my circumstances as God's will for me.

There is a passage in the Big Book that kept nagging at me after I wrote that. At the bottom of page 86 it reads:

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.

Which then reminded me of the promise:

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is ding for us what we could not do for ourselves. (pg 84)

The implications from both passages is that there is a source of wisdom from outside ourselves, something greater than us. Since I fell into recovery, I have always used the wisdom of the group as my inspiration. The rooms of AA have kept me sober and clean. I can accept that. I have tried to keep my understand of my Higher Power and simple as possible, not trying to muddy my thinking with resentments. I still struggle with religion and spirituality. It is interesting how fearful I can become in trying to get a clearer understanding on what meditation should me for me. That fear that turns to anger and resentments. The fear that makes me want to give up. I don't want to give up.

I want to remain in the hands of my Higher Power. My faith and trust growing slowly. Sobriety is a wonderful gift as is the emotion of gratitude. Just for today.

Photo Credit: vgm8383

Meditation

2010-10-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

Meditation

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I struggle with this step. The idea that God can pass on to us the knowledge of His will brings out the committee that lives in my mind, all those voices shouting “Bull Shit.” I don’t carry much humility when it comes to this part of my recovery; all I seem to have is a bucket full on contempt. I need to become more teachable in this area.

I’m learning to accept that the circumstances I find myself in could be called God’s will. My most painful circumstances have had the power to change me, helped me to start my life anew. I have watched how pains in the lives of my loved ones have changed them in ways I could never have imagined. I can feel gratitude for those events, despite of painful they were. But the idea of having foreknowledge of “God’s will” for me, that’s where I balk.

Part of my problem is that I’ve always wanted God to have a magic wand to erase all my problems. Deep down, a part of me still seeks that. So I go, right away, to interpreting that step as being able to hear a voice from my Higher Power that gives specific direction on how and what. I can see that is not the purpose of this step. I am not going to get an email each morning, telling me how and what to do. What I am going to get is people coming in and out of my daily path. Again, it’s circumstances. In the act of daily living, things are set into play without my consent. People come rolling into my life that I would never have expected contact with. It’s these people that I get to practice Step 12 with. The fine folk who visit in the rooms of A.A., who share their experience and hope with me, tell me that helping others is the way to go. If I imagine my Higher Power as kind, compassionate, and understanding, then I get to practice having those attributes myself. Fearfulness, self-pity, selfishness, and anger are the attributes that turn me away from others. If I keep it simple, without imagining meditation as a cosmic experience, it does become a bit more believable. In its simplest form, my Higher Power’s will is to be of service to those that cross my daily path.

I do want to explore the idea of meditation further. The dictionary describes mediation as the “contemplation of spiritual matters.” Even as I explored my thoughts on this blog entry, contemplating on what I thought meditation means, I get some clarity, some relief from my own fears.

Thanks for dropping by.

Photo Credit: Dave: aka Empty Belly

Contact

2010-10-29T08:51:00.001-07:00

We were talking about step 11 last night. I was reminded about its importance, how prayer keeps me connected with my Higher Power. How prayer gives me the right relationship (God giving direction, me taking direction). I also took away from that meeting that I still have difficulties in trusting in my Higher Power.

When my children were growing up, it was my understanding that if I lived a righteous life while saying the right prayers God would do what I asked. It was simple, like a mathematical equation, I did my part and God did his part. I believed it was true, told others of how well my life was working and that they could do the same. I felt safe, my fears held at bay. And then the teenage years hit, angst happened, shit happened and my safe little world fell apart. I had a difficult time watching my children struggle into adulthood and commenced my own downhill slide. I figured if God couldn’t or wouldn’t do for my children what I expected him to do, then I would have to do it myself. You can imagine what a terribly ineffective higher power I was but it took me years before I could acknowledge that I could not make the world a safer place for anyone.

Eventually I gave up on God, giving myself permission to drink and porn as much as I wanted. I became the creator of pain, adding to the chaos in our family. In the year before I came into recovery, all I craved was darkness, the numbing place where no though or emotion existed. Drinking lots just before bed ensured that I could visit that place for a couple of hours.

Somehow, recovery happened, and I was taught some new things. One of the first was that I was no longer in control. As long as I didn’t have to drive, life would be better. The first instructions I received on pray was (1) “You need to” and (2) “Don’t ask for anything.” That night, as the title of this blog suggests, I place myself in God’s Hands and tried to trust my Higher Power for the outcome.

In treatment, I was struck by this passage found on page 62 of the Big Book:

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

My first sponsor suggested I place my family in my Higher Power’s hands as well. He also suggested I add a new line in my morning prayer. A line that asks God for the strength to stay out of the way of, no matter what the circumstances are. In other words, to trust in God, no matter what the outcome would be.

Someone said that faith is the antidote to fear. Faith, for me, is the ability to trust in something outside of myself, something bigger than me. Trusting while life appears to go sideways, not at all going where I want it to go. Trust that in the pain and struggles, there is meaning.

Someone else told me that “practice makes perfect.” I best keep practising for I’ll never be perfect. Hurrah for progress.

Photo Credit: Josh Kenzer

see saw

2010-06-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a tetter totter couple of days. Monday's feeling down and blue, today feeling upbeat and positive.

I think I understand what's going on with my thoughts, fear being the generator of a blue Monday, hope creating the upbeatedness of today. As I think about the breadth of emotions and how deeply they are a part of me and help to form the thoughts that come to mind. The negativity of "leave me along" to the "We can do this together" that comes from hope.

Trust in others, trust in a Power greater than myself, trust that what ever life brings my way, I can face them without having to drink or porn them away. In the darkness of Monday, I reminded myself many times that "this will pass" and it would probably pass quicker if I just keep doing the right things. Not to expect other to buy into my sadness but to help others regardless of the sadness. Certainly a lot easier on my spouse and work mates.

As I read, I realize just how simple is the stuff that I am writing. Nothing new, nothing special. Yet, for me, each day I remind myself that it is a challenge for me. That it takes effort to get up into the sunshine, my mind naturally seeking the dark valleys.

A couple of weeks ago, I had taken a big swig of self-pity, wondering why I couldn't do step's six and seven well. Why my character defects seem firmly entrenched with in. And then I had an "aha" moment. There was no way I could be done with my character defects and the steps allowed for that because step 10 provides a way to continue to take inventory and to make things right again.

From page 84 of the Big Book:

This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code.

Photo Credit: navonod

Glimpses of Sunlight

2010-06-19T07:46:00.000-07:00

Having lived with my mind for a bit, I've noticed how it is deeply attracted to the negative side of life, loves to wallow in darkness, sadness, and self-pity. It's a seemingly effortless place to get to, like riding my bike down a hill, I just go there, faster and faster.

About six months before I stopped drinking, I was reading my child's copy of daily reflections and read a passage about being in the sunlight. The attraction was strong, having lived in darkness for many years. It took a while after that reading that passage before I entered the rooms of recovery, of giving up old ways of thinking and understanding and taking on what I heard at the meetings. To realize that I had to dismantle my world view and start again.

There was no magic wand moment. It took and takes constant effort, learning to give up and to trust is something greater than myself. Taking the advice of the rooms and starting to do service for others instead of living just for me. To open up space for others in my life and to keep that space open takes effort. To fight against the cry of my pain, "leave me alone" takes constant effort.

To push myself to speak to the new comer, to call my sponsor, to spend times with fellow members, for it never seems to come naturally.

The rewards for the effort is sobriety, friendship, and family. I no longer have to be alone, I no longer have to believe the thoughts in my head that "nobody likes me"

I just need to suit up and show up, put my trust in my Higher Power and point my life in the direction shown to me. Then they appears, the beams of light through the clouds.

Photo Credit: Kevin Eddy

Why pray?

2010-06-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

Someone told me that I should always have a spiritual book of some sort open during my morning devotions. Most mornings since I have sobered up I have done so but the last few weeks and months have been lost in the busy-ness of renovations and moving and my morning meditations have turned into a quick read of "Daily Reflections" and a prayer with my partner. I've missed the snippets of deeper reflection and sought to remedy that.

Then this morning I was reading a book of meditations written by Thomas Moore and read this bit about the purpose of prayer:

Pray -- Period! Don't expect anything, or better, expect nothing. Prayer cleanses us of expectations and allows Holy will, providence, and life itself an entry. What could be more worth the effort -- or the non-effort. Meditations: On the Monk who Dwells in Daily Life. p 19

I was reminded of the advice I was given while I was in treatment, to start praying but not to ask for anything. To stop wishing for life to be better, but to get on living life the way it was presented. Life's not fair, never will be, so get on with it. And my life changed that day. I stopped rebelling, started listening to others and began trying to figure out step 3.

Makes sense. Loose the expectations, practice acceptance, turn my will over to God's care, and I'll have little reason to feel sorry for myself. Easy when I see the words in print, harder to practice when my mind wants to drag me into depression and/or self pity.

The third step prayer is at the top of the left column on this blog. All about lining up my will with Gods. How I see this alignment is in service to others. And that's the best cure for self pity and the best reason to prayer.

All from a book found in the public library.

Photo Credit: έŁέ¢τяøиί¢ έγέ's

what a concept

2010-03-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

Every where I go, I bring all of me along. Every part I like, every part that I'm struggling to love. The good bits, the "what I deem" bad bits. And every where that I go, I meet people, people with their own good bits and "what I deem" bad bits. And if I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with the drama of the moment, I start reeling all my bits in, pulling them in tight to me, pulling them into my cave, to a place of "leave me alone" and closing the door behind me. I don't want to be judged, thank you, but I'm sure busy judging another, all the while telling my self that I'm not. After all, safety is important.

So then, whilst attending an inventory, someone brought up Concept 5 (as if I ever knew what a concept was?) It reads:

Concept 5: Throughout our structure, a traditional “Right of Appeal” ought to prevail, so that minority opinion will be heard and personal grievances receive careful consideration.

So if I understand this correctly, after a motion has been voted on, sometimes those who end up on the losing side of the vote are given an opportunity to speak again on the motion, and there have been times when people have changed their vote and in the ensuing re-vote, the motion goes the other way.

Then, at the district inventory, it was shown from the literature (Illustrated 12 Concepts) that:

This "Right to Appeal" recognizes that minorities frequently can be right; that even when they are in error they still perform a most valuable service when they compel a thorough-going debate on important issues. The well-heard minority, therefor, is our chief protection against an uninformed, misinformed, hasty or angry majority.

As the discussion continued, a little light came on in my head. When I shut down, retreat to my cave, I am doing a disservice. My fearfulness prevents my voice from being heard. My opinions, right or wrong, should be expressed, regardless of what others might think. My words, are just that, my words, words that reflect my opinion. My opinion is no less important than any other. My opinion has value. If things are not going my way, I have a choice, to withdraw or to face the music and share what's kicking around my head. In some ways, I don't have a right to speak, I have an obligation to speak. What a concept.

Today's a special day, since it was four years today that I entered a treatment centre. The day that I call my sobriety birthday. I am grateful for the gift of sobriety, for the gift of spiritual and mental growth that the 12 steps provide a path for. I am grateful for the wisdom of the rooms, for the wisdom I come across when I read your blogs. Shared experience and hope keeps me coming back. I am grateful for the changes in my family, for the melding, the compassion and the care that our family has for each other. I am grateful that I am not broken but on a journey called life. I am grateful that the darkness of depression that accompanied the past two years of my sobriety is starting to life.

I am grateful to be present.

Photo Credit: Will Humes

self

2010-03-03T06:21:00.000-08:00

I apologize for being away so long. Two weeks slipped by so quickly.

Since the couple's retreat, my morning routine has changed. I used to read other's blogs and write in my own. I used that time to explore what was going on for me and it has always proved helpful in my own recovery and emotional sobriety. These past two weeks, I have been taking time to explore breath. To simple breathe for 20 minutes, focusing on my breath and seeing what comes up in the way of thoughts and feelings. I then write in my journal, pencil to paper, keeping a log of my experiences, not attempting to judge what was happening.

It seems to be a continuation of steps 6 and 7. I think I know what my character defects are, I have tried to humbly ask my Higher Power to remove them and I still have them. So I used to see it as I am doing something wrong because God is not answering the prayer. I see today that I need practice acceptance. That I am the way I am and there is not much I can do to change who I am.

I am beginning to understand that compassion is not just to be directed towards others but also to ourselves. Continuously berating myself is a pointless endeavour. It brings me back to that place of self-pity. The jumping off point to drink. Love, patience, and compassion can be part of self-acceptance. I'm starting to understand that without self-acceptance it would be difficult to show love, patience, and compassion towards others.

I believe that we are to life passionately, not hide out in our caves. I've been a cave dweller much too long. The sunshine is calling.

I've been asked to start another blog, only this time being public about who I am, to show a face and a name. In doing so, I would have to change the topic of the blog, for I believe I would be breaking the traditions of AA in exploring recovery in a public place if I broke my anonymity. I've got some ideas but I have not started yet.

Thanks for your patience.

brightness

2010-02-15T06:30:00.000-08:00

The couples workshop that my partner and I attended was inspiring and awakening. There was little time to sit, lots of time devoted to the experiential. We drew, we danced, we breathed, we played, and on and on. All our senses were involved, all our being was drawn in. Few emotions were left untouched. We were shown was passion was, and how to create passion in our lives, individually and together. There were some wonderful moments of understanding and clarity, of letting go, of surrender and trust. There was so much of colour, of hue and intensity.

There are two moments that stand out for me. The first was the discovery that longing could become a prayer, deeply spiritual in it's intent. We, as humans, have the capacity to long for and to be longed for. As I awaken a sense of longing for my partner, there is a deep resonance within her. I was struck by her intensity and vitality. Her colours were bright, luminous, strong, deeply lustrous. She has her own space and presence. She can be a formidable partner, more than willing to create tension. She is she.

The second was that my personal boundaries were still very tight, restrictive, cave like. More so that I would have wanted to admit. I worked at stretching those boundaries, to make room for others, to once again push through my fears. My boundaries also seek to envelope and control, seeking to make my world safe. Always, this deep need for safety appears as I look at myself, a need to be protected. My boundaries restrict and diminish. No room for passion. It's time to get out of the cave.

Last night, as I drove to a meeting, I was full of fear again. A fear of the world and what might happen, the retreat had become a place of safety and it was gone. It felt like my world had shifted while I was away and I had to learn to trust again. That fear was intense, I had difficulty in reading out load, the words were twisted, it was difficult to share. That fear had to be pushed against, it sought to pull me in, to find my cave, to make the circle small. Live is there to be lived but it does become my choice. Push back.

A poem was shared with us, a poem that resonated within my spirit, that sung. A poem by Rainer Maria Rilke:

Ah, whom can we ever turn to
in our need? Not angels, not humans,
and already the knowing animals are aware
that we are not really at home
in our interpreted world.
Don't you know yet? Fling the emptiness out of your arms
and into the spaces we breathe; perhaps the birds
will feel the expanded air with more passionate flying.

Breath

Photo credit: jasohill

Through the morass

2010-02-11T06:53:00.000-08:00

Instead of falling into the sea of self-pity, remaining passive and unmoving as the world rolls over me, I'm trying to take an active part in protecting the hit on my finances as the company goes though it's hard times. I am powerless over what is going on, that my choices are to quit or accept. I can accept what's happening and I can lessen the impact of what's happening.

So I went forward, made some calls, trying to get information and find a place where my partner and I can make an informed decision. I am amazed at how much effort I need to do this. Must be something to do with the law of inertia. (inertia = procrastination?) That I need to push through the constant mental hubris that impedes me. There is no instant reward, I still don't have answers to all the important questions and the feelings of discomfort have not left. I am committed to following this through, and can accept that I may have no choice but to accept what is offered. At least I would have tried.

I did come home from work feeling sad, frustrated. These feelings won't leave and they created some friction between my partner and I. Last night and this morning, theres a bit of fear hanging around. (I'm chuckling inwardly, just thinking that this feelings are my constant companions, my friends who have been a part of my life since as a child. Some friends I've picked.) But I will try to live just for today, and do the next right thing.

My partner and I are going away for the next few days. We are going to a couples retreat. I am hoping that we can recreate meaning and direction in our partnership. I feel fearful and hopeful, all at once. I hope I am willing to bend, to change, that my mind remains open. Honesty, openness, and willingness are going to be great tools.

Just for today.

Photo Credit: Tamera van Molken

choices

2010-02-10T06:29:00.000-08:00

It was district meeting time and I am thankful to the person who gave me some new glasses to wear when I attend those meetings. I used to get so frustrated at the inefficiencies of the business meeting, at all the contrary opinions, at how I never seemed to have anything wise to say. The new glasses allowed me to see the passion that each person brings to the meeting, how much they care for A.A. and want it to grow and thrive. That they treasure the sobriety of others as much as they treasure their own. Yesterday, those glasses put a smile on my face as we opinionated a motion. Nice to see people that care.

At dance lessons, last night, we had so much fun. Doing the steps, feeling the Cha Cha Cha in the music, my partner smiling non-stop. At the end, we learned the fundamental steps of the waltz. We felt so elegent in that gliding step.

The company announced to us at a meeting at work that they were dipping into our wallets one more time. Someone calculated we were approached a wage and benefit loss of close to 20%. I could feel myself sliding into darkness as I ground that around in my head. But the good news is that I still get 80% and get to stay close to my family. And it didn't take away from the pleasure of dancing with my partner. And I am clean and sober and slept reasonably well.

Someone said something like "change your mind and change your world?"

Just for today.

Photo Credit: Gilderic

slime and joy

2010-02-09T06:28:00.000-08:00

The drain line from the washing machine at one of my children's homes plugged. The waste water had filled up the laundry tubs and was going down at about an inch every two hours. So off I went to clear the plug.

As I was working, trying to thread a sewer snake through the piping, my grandson comes down to watch. He gets a camping cooling and covers it with a blanket, gets a couple of stuffed animals, and sits down with them. As I pull out blobs of black stinky slime he laughs with glee. He is asking very technical questions such as "How do you spell Octopus?" or "Are you going to catch a fish?" He answers his own questions, even making a really good stab at octopus, not bad for someone who has had no spelling or reading lessons yet. He sat there for the full half hour, chatting, watching, participating fully in what was going on. Well, not fully, since he was fresh out of the tub I wouldn't let him try to thread the snake.

It was a nice oasis in a day where I struggle with moodiness. I felt connected there, my daughter, my grandson, and me. I was struck with how my relationship with all my children has changed since I fell into recovery. How I can now genuinely enjoy their company, and can bust with pride over my grandsons. I see now, more than ever, how my primary relationship had been that bottle of red wine.

This morning, I carry gratitude that the love affair I was having with alcohol has been broken up. That new relationships are forming out of old ones, that I understand that those relationships come with joy and with pain and it all makes life worth living.

The feeling of gratitude is a prayer.

Photo Credit: Tamera van Molken

fragments

2010-02-08T06:25:00.000-08:00

As I continue through the land of shadows, I've wondered if I would recognize a decision point in my life when it arrives. Procrastinating a decision seems to be the preferred way with dealing with decisions. Performing no action, allowing the out come to be decided by others, just ignoring it, is how I can avoid the responsibility.

It has it's benefits for I can always blame someone or something else for how circumstances turn out. People also have no reason to judge me since I have done nothing wrong, how could they find fault? I can also carry the resentments of how life impedes me. I get to play one more round of "I'm the victim."

All of this is driven by the fear engine. That purposeless motivator. I end up navigating my life around my imagined fears.

Again, I was struck with fear and despondence as I drove to a meeting last night. An apprehension of the unknown, of what people might think of me, of what might happen. I thought of turning back home but knew the fears for what they are. It was a good meeting, the topic was step 11 (prayer and mediation.) Even better, a newcomer has my phone number.

I came across this reading in "The AA Way of Life":

When I am feeling depressed, I repeat to myself statements such as these: "Pain is the touchstone of progress." . . . "Fear no evil." . . . "This, too, will pass." . . . "This experience can be turned to benefit."

These fragments of prayer bring far more than mere comfort. They keep me on the track of right acceptance; they break up my compulsive themes of guilt, depression, rebellion, and pride; and sometimes they endow me with the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. (Bill W. Grapevine, March 1962)

I felt a resonance as I thought about the reading. Prayer fragments, I had never thought of the slogans like that. Ways to stay connected with something greater than myself as I struggle with emotions.

Photo Credit: d ha rm e sh

the open door.

2010-02-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

I am full of gratitude for being allowed to share my story last night. Being able to remember my story in front of a room full of people, connecting with the past, realizing again the changes that have happened, seeing the gift that was given to me.

The promise that we would not regret the past, we would no longer shut the door on it, seems to be coming true. As I shared my past, I could connect with a room full of folk, new in recovery. I'm hoping that we all could choose to stay in recovery one more day. The honest sharing of our experiences gives each other hope.

There is another level about my past. That I can explore it and learn from my past. That by looking at my past, especially in a 4th and 5th step, will help me to change in the future. Combining that with step 8 and 9 and change comes a bit easier. What comes to mind is a ninth I did with my boss, making an amends for all the anger I had tossed his way. There came a time shortly after when I started to feel anger towards him again, and didn't express it, but went to acceptance. There is a lot of power in step 9. There has been a couple or a few times when my anger did flare up inappropriately and because of step 9, I dealt with it quickly, apologizing to the people at work quickly. The past can give us so much. It has given me so much this past week.

I am grateful that I can be sober and clean today. Just for today.

Photo Credit: Tangent~Artifact

a bit of sun

2010-02-06T08:38:00.000-08:00

I think I'll stay out of the shadows this morning.

Today, I get to move my running up a notch. My first try at walking two and running four minutes. Last week, when I moved up to three minutes of running, I was struck by how stiff I could feel after running only 18 minutes in total.

We are still dancing, having learnt the basic steps to the Cha Cha earlier this week. We are supposed to move our hips in this one, but if I move the hips, I loose the step. Two things at once?

Tonight, I'm heading up to where I received addiction treatment a few years back. I get to tell my story to the batch of current patients. I have a lot of gratitude that I was asked to do so, a lot of fear that I was asked to do so, fear that I could find enough words to last 45 minutes. I trust that the right words will come out, I don't want to spend the whole day rehearsing in my head what I'm going to say. I'm taking all of your hope and experience with me, I'm not going alone. Trust.

There have been lots of newcomers this past week. Lots of opportunity to share and to talk. Opportunity to just listen to some of the old timers who are struggling this week.

My addicted child was at the same meeting I attended one night. He was asked to share and spoke very well. He spoke of not being alone, of the friendship and the camaraderie that he was finding, of the joy and happiness that can be found in recovery if you embrace the program and not just flirt around the edges. He teaches me.

I am grateful to be sober, grateful to have breath. This morning, the sun is shining and there's a bit of work to do around the house. Grateful.

Just for today.

Photo Credit: J Gil

Open the window

2010-02-05T06:29:00.000-08:00

When my mother tells the story of how she met my dad, how his bright blue eyes looked so warm and attractive, I sometimes wonder who she is talking about. When I had upset the delicate balance in our house by coming home with poor grades on the report card, when I had made too much noise or did something else to anger him (it was hard to predict what that might be) I was confronted with those eyes. Those eyes would become weapons as he shared his displeasure with me. Those moments where time slowed down, when all I could do was to mentally leave that space, go somewhere deep inside of me to escape the torrent of words, standing there, building a container around my anger, ending up disliking myself, my passivity, my life. I had no power, nothing beneath my feet to push from. I was deeply afraid of my father, held under his spell.

Any conflict, any argument, any moment when someone was expressing their anger, their displeasure with me, I would become quiet, sullen, passive. Waiting for the time to pass, internalizing my own feelings and values. I could not, would not, argue or try to express or defend myself. This behaviour manifests itself in my recovery, refusing to give my opinion when there is some conflict at an AA business meeting. I have opinions, feelings, and I just bury them. When other writers express how they relish a good argument, that it's fun to spar, I just don't get that.

I learned to use anger when people tried to move me from my internal place. There is still an intense desire to remain hidden, unknowable. I don't want to offend, I don't want to be judged, it's almost like I don't want to be.

Recovery has given me the tools and courage to be willing to risk, to open up and share what's inside. When I was in treatment, and we sat in group, and I opened up to share some of my darkness, found that I was accepted and not found lacking after the stuff came out, I thought I was in heaven. I learned the power of honesty, openness, and willingness.

I would like to take more risk, to speak my opinion at a business meeting and not be afraid of what others would think, to speak clearly to my boss without anger clouding the issues, to be honestly open with all those around me, giving myself the space to be me, is something I am hoping to grow into. All I need to do is say the words.

Photo Credit: swamibu

No choice, please.

2010-02-04T06:42:00.000-08:00

When I proposed to my partner many years ago, we started making plans for our future. The first thing we talked of was quiting my job and we would go travelling, taking all the money we had saved (it wasn't much since I spent in on drink and mystical smoke) and go visit Europe. When push came to shove, I couldn't get past the fear of new experiences and new places and convinced my wife to be that it would be much more prudent to keep the job. To this day, she still has a hard time getting me out the door to go somewhere far far away, just for the experience.

We discussed going back to school, about deepening my knowledge of photography. At that time, I loved cameras and had my own dark room. There was a great school nestled in the Rocky Mountains that I could get into. In the end, I choose to stay in my job, safe and secure.

I had failed grade 12, missing to graduate from High School by one class, that teacher and I mutually hating each other. Those days, finding a job was easy so I thought I would work for a year and then go back to school. Been there now for over 30 something years. I had several other opportunities to leave and never took them. Stayed safe and secure in that cocoon.

As I sit here, it all starts to pour out of me, looking at the past, seeing that there was no choice for me. I felt secure in not making change, not moving forward. I have more examples I need to look at.

Thanks for bearing with me as I explore my own process. I'm glossing over the positive stuff of working in one place for a long time. It has allowed us to raise four children, to live in a wonderful house, and afford some new experiences.

This wanting to always choose the side of the safest way has limited my past. It tries to limit me to this day. I am grateful that the program of recovery provided by AA has given me tools to look at myself and then grow. To find the courage to accept life on life's terms and not have to hide in my cave.

Just for today.

Photo Credit: Mr. J. Doe

No, you decide.

2010-02-03T06:11:00.000-08:00

About fifteen years ago I had gotten bored with my job so I had applied for a position in our company, a job that would move me from hourly to staff. Part of the interview process was a trip to the big city to meet with an psychologist. Before the visit, I was given a big packet of tests to fill out and then more tests during the visit, and the final interview. I would be told what he would tell the company during the interview.

Before this day, my "truth" of myself was that I was not clever, could not learn, was a little on the dumb size. As this man spoke, he said words of an opposite truth. That I could be clever, that I have a great capacity to learn, and was far from dumb. He was the first person who spoke those words to me that I believed and something shifted in my thinking. He broke through a truth that was built when I was a child, at countless lectures in front of my father being told I was never good enough.

He also told me I would not be getting the job I had asked for. The reason he gave was that I was not predictable. He pointed out that I had two ways of making a decision and there was no telling which way it would turn out. He didn't flesh it out but gave me a reading list for self improvement, leaving it to me to figure it out.

I understand today, that I do not like to make decisions. Never have in the past and have to work at it today. Shortly after I was married, there was an opportunity to get an apprenticeship. I did not apply until my father had cajoled me enough. I waited until the application date had passed before I handed in my application. I didn't want it. I was accepted. My father was happy and I was going to be miserable for the next four years. It was a major life decision that I was entirely passive about, letting my fears dictate what was going to happen for me, letting others think for me, make choices for me, unable to stand up to an authority figure.

That can still happen today. Put any type of conflict into the process and I freeze up, slipping quickly into emotional darkness, with a good portion of "wanting to numb" thrown in for good measure. I don't want to leave the impression that I am incapable of making a choice for I've made some very good ones as well, after all, I still have breath.

Irish had spoken about shadow play, about what lurks beneath the surface, unseen, that has a strong influence over who I am. A part of me that I have not recognized. A part of me that I need to co-operate with. A part that I have not yet accepted.

That's it for today, thanks for letting me share.

Photo Credit: Daniel Y. Go

To build

2010-02-01T06:27:00.001-08:00

My partner and I spent the weekend in the big city, visiting our daughter and her partner. We had a weekend full of walks in the rain forest, walks in the city, had adventures in public transport, tried new foods, and were followed by a trombone and a drum in a room full of cacophony. They were great hosts. Our conversations were rich, full of recovery and growth. When we were sitting on the ferry on the way home we felt a bit sad that we were leaving, a sign of a great visit.

I am struck by how many bloggers are writing of of suicides, of people they know of or people they were close to. It's been a rough month of reading, not knowing what to comment. It hurts to read of people taking a long term solution for a short term problem. The pain does pass, if we take care of ourselves and do the work.

In the past few months, I had drifted into that deep dark valley of depression. After I shared about it at meetings, I noticed that I was becoming more alone, more isolated. People are attracted to a positive message. I was fortunate to have this blog to work out some stuff, and understanding sponsor who was patient with me, a partner who is supportive and loving, as well as bloggers who left insightful comments. Suggestions that service will be the best tool possible, to work with new comers. I am thankful for the support. As well, I was recently councilled that the solution would be of my own creation, not something I will find. The clouds have lightened but not passed.

I have some exploring to do, akin to another fifth step. Not sure where I am going to explore this. My partner and I have signed up for a three day course hoping to spark some renewed creativity in our relationship. We get to find out later this week if there is enough folk enrolled for the course to fly. Fingers crossed.

Compassion is a word that keeps popping up for me. Compassion, in spite of feeling fearful. The ability to love and support another human being, just to be with them and listen to them. To be able to say "I see you." To have compassion, even for myself, does not come easy or natural to me. I hope to explore that here.

Bill W, who deeply struggled with depression, wrote this in a private letter (1954). It is from a reading titled 'Getting off a "Dry Bender"' from The AA Way of Life:

Sometimes, we become depressed. I out to know; I have been a champion dry-bender case myself. While the surface causes were a part of the picture -- trigger-events that precipitated depression -- the underlying causes, I am satisfied, ran much deeper.

Intellectually, I could accept my situation, Emotionally, I could not.

To these problems, there are certainly no pat answers. But part of the answer surely lies in the constant effort to practice all of A.A.'s Twelve Steps.

Just for today.

Photo Credit: True2Source

Bulldoze

2010-01-30T07:23:00.000-08:00

I spoke with the labour department of our provincial government yesterday about what the company was doing to it's staff. The women at the other end confirmed that the company had broken it's contract with me. When I asked her what could be done, she said all I could do was quit, file a complaint with her department, and they would try to get me a couple of months of severance pay and I would have to find employment elsewhere. (The nearest jobs in my field are thousands of miles away.) There is just no leverage to be had to force my employer to behave. I have one choice, stay or leave. I have decided to accept the changes, I'm not prepared to move or deal with the financial hardships, (at least not at this moment of time) of returning to school.

In the book, "The AA Way of Life" I was presented with something Bill W. wrote about the serenity pray way back in 1962:

We treasure our "Serenity Prayer" because it brings a new light to us that can dissipate our oldtime and nearly fatal habit of fooling ourselves.

In the radiance of this prayer we see that defeat, rightly accepted, need be no disaster. We now know that we do not have to run away, nor ought we again try to overcome adversity by still another bulldozing power drive that can only push up obstacles before us faster than they can be taken down.

At the meeting I attended last night, several members where dealing with some difficult issues. I don't know if I was being judgmental but I could see that they had built up mental fortresses that were making the obstacles much bigger than they really were. I can see how I do it, by the use of imagination, I create something I deem "the truth" and then proceed to "bulldoze" using my truth to drive the thing. When I am running with "the truth", then it's almost impossible to be honest, open minded, willing, or accepting. I am fortunate that I have all of you to walk with, that there are many who are willing to help us navigate through life. I understand that not only do I have to keep myself "right-sized", I have to keep my monsters "right-sized" as well.

Thank you for your supportive comments yesterday, they are appreciated. Something will come out of all these events, I have no idea what. Right now, these events are helping me grow and change. I am thankful for that.

Photo Credit: annrkiszt

shadows

2010-01-29T06:26:00.000-08:00

The top gun of our company was in the plant yesterday, painting a picture of financial darkness, making us all feel like liabilities. After he left, an announcement came out that reached into my wallet and removed some of the contents, basically breaking our contracts. There was no acknowledgement of the hardship the cycles of layoffs, cutbacks, or the "more with less" that they expect. There is a fear and a possibility of bankruptcy. I want to go deeper into this, go on a rant, but that's not going to help.

I came home feeling dark, my daughter and grandson were over for supper, and I was quiet. The darkness rolling over and over, building. I was trying to pull out some of my resolve from yesterday, to work through this darkness, to live through it and not spend all my time wishing it away. So after supper, spent time with my grandson, watching a video he had made, reading through "I spy" books with him. Made him the centre of my focus.

Then I left to set up the chairs and make the coffee. Create the space for a meeting. I also imagined that I could create the mood for the same meeting, so I pretended I was in a good space. Tried to warmly great the early arrivers, trying to set some hope and compassion in the room. Someone came for their first AA meeting, we got to share about step one. It was a great meeting, the room was full of care, and I was part of it. Thoughts of work still niggling, but not captivating.

A couple of my friends are struggling right now. I have people to call, to visit. Work is just work, it's not the meaning of my life. It's being part of the "We" that's important.

Bill W, in a March, 1962 edition of the Grapevine wrote:

Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety. In fact, they usually do; and they must, else we could have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride.

Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems, for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our oldtime attitude of "all or nothing" will have to be abandoned.

Photo Credit: Ricky David

Spectrum

2010-01-28T06:15:00.000-08:00

I remember, as a boy, running a race with two other boys. Across a playground, just to the other side. They both easily outdistanced me and as I watched their backs move away, I tripped. As the frustration of not being athletic rose up, I noticed this five dollar bill under my nose. That was a lot of money in the early 60's. I found it, it was mine, it was well worth the fall and, in my mind, I'd won the race.

This story came up as I drove home from a counselling appointment. With all the darkness that was painting my interior landscapes and the accompanying fantasies that things would feel better if I was chemically numb or, flitting around the edges of my mind, dead. That darkness has been lifting the past couple of weeks and I almost thought I could do without the counselling but went ahead.

He spoke in a language that I could easily understand. He reminded me that, on my palette, there was a full spectrum of colour. That as I painted my life, there was more than greys or black to choose from. The word "create" was brought up many times, mostly right after I used the word "find."

I have spent most of my life waiting for things to happen to me. I had convinced myself that in the waiting was the moral high ground. That "God" would provide for me every thing that I would need. Every thing that happens, good or bad, is what I deserved. I was caught in a thinking trap, I had made an untruth into a truth. I held on to it and still hold on to it. I lived my life very passively, hoping others would do for me what I was unwilling to do for myself.

I can't remember how many times I've gone to a meeting hoping to hear just the right thing that would snap me out of the dark corner I had painted myself into. Occasionally, I would hear the right words and come out of the meeting feeling better; this happened enough times that I started to believe it was the right way to be. I would neglect to think about most of the other times where I have left meetings angry or with tears for my emotional pain had not been lifted. This passive waiting just does not work. I want to find meaning at a meeting, I best do so myself. And as you readers have commented many times, it's in the action that we find life.

The counsel I received was simple. To have meaning or purpose in my life, I am the one who will create it. I am the one who is responsible. This past summer, I was taking responsibility, I was laid off work, and went through the process of enrolling and attending university. I lost that when I was called back to work and did not have the finances to continue schooling. I believe I gave up after that, went back into waiting to find something, lost whatever zeal I had. I don't have to do that.

I am responsible for my own life. The dark colours that have accompanied most of my life will continue, there is no way to loose them. But I can blend in others and change the picture. This should be interesting and fun.

Thank you.

Photo Credit: Petra

belonging

2010-01-26T06:24:00.000-08:00

When I was pruning my plum tree I glanced up at the sky and saw a half moon hanging in the sky. At that moment, it looked cold and slightly malicious. I felt this existential fear, coming from how small I felt at that moment, how insignificant I am when it comes to the scale of the cosmos. I changed my scale, imagining I was on the moon, looking back at all the activities on this planet, how we scurry around, possessed by our own self-importance, doing the same things over and over, spinning in circles, so ineffective at preventing war and poverty as we struggle for power and wealth. At that moment I felt small, pointless, the universe appearing indifferent.

A few moments later, I stopped to looked at what I was cutting off the tree, a small branch full of fattening buds. The buds, though small, were full of colour, a dark pink. Each bud was full of promise, a promise of life, of a juicy yellow plum, complete with a pit that could grow into a tree. The bud, only about 3mm across, contained so much potential. There were thousands and thousands of these buds on the tree. Such extravagance, such fecundity. I felt comfortable in the arms of that tree.

As I think about my feelings, I realized that I assign gender as well. The coldness of the universe is male, the fruitfulness of nature is female. It reflects my reality, cautious of all the is male, an apartness from all that is female. My father was cold, my grandfathers distant, the male God that used to be my understanding was a punishing God. The matriarchal side of the family was more accepting. I never did find my place as a youth.

Recovery allows me to push past these life long fears. I am finding out about who I am as I work the steps, as I work with others, as I learn to co-operate. I see how those fears can still block me, cause me to feel small and useless. Gets me back to that place of shame.

I was going to write about this yesterday but somehow that post on movies and tears came out. Hidden behind that post is a frustration. It is easier for me to have compassion, to let tears flow, while watching a movie than it is in real life. To come across a man who is struggling, who need help, does not create compassion, it creates fear in me. Sometimes I can push past the fear, sometimes I do not. However, I can rest in the fact that as I walk down this narrowing path, the fears will lessen and the want to help will increase.

Thanks to all of you who tell me tears are okay. (I was going to write crying but felt safer with tears). I am grateful that I can have tears, for in not so distance past, if they did appear, it was just as Irish wrote, tears of self-pity and not of compassion and care. If that's a measure of growth, then the buds are getting fatter.

Photo Credit: jpstanley

unexpected tears

2010-01-25T06:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was an emotionally neutral day. The undulations in my mind were minor, a treat, so to speak. Attended church with my partner, the minister guy speaking on addictions. I didn't argue with him too much in my head, agreeing with everything he said about the need for humility. We had a big hike planned for the afternoon but the weather turned to rain and wind and after deciding we were made of sugar, we stayed home and played board games. In the evening, I picked up my sponsor, went to a meeting (lots of newcomers at this one!), spent some time with my sponsor, then to home.

In January, we went to the movies three times. We hadn't gone out to movies for a long time and wanted to see Avatar in 3D. First time, it was sold out, so saw Sherlock Holmes which was way to violent for my taste. Second time, Avatar was sold out so saw "Up in the Air". My wife was bored and I had tears running down my face. Specifically when I put myself in the place of those being laid off. The third time, we finally got tickets of Avatar, and again I cried (several times), this time over the scenes of injustice to the indigenous peoples of the planet. The story in Avatar has been played out many times, all over our world, never with such a happy ending.

It bothered me that I was so easily moved to tears. So quickly touched when people suffered an injustice. When they become the victims of others. I'm wondering if that's at the root of all my emotions, a sense of injustice? Maybe? Maybe not? I do know that what ever is at the root of all this, but past experience has show me that it will painfully boil up to the surface one day and be exposed for me to see. That's one of the gifts of recovery and I am thankful for it. One day at a time.

Photo Credit: bitzcelt

Where to go.

2010-01-24T08:56:00.000-08:00

Coming home from work on Friday night, dark moods started to overwhelm me. Friends of my partner, whom I had never met, were coming over for supper and a visit. I wanted to kick a chair as I came into the kitchen, a rant on the tip of my tongue, I felt like a bomb waiting to go off, to destroy the whole evening. I gave her a "cold" hello and then dived into the shower so I could be alone and pray. Pray that I wouldn't act on what I was feeling. Wouldn't let the fear and discomfort hurt my relationships. Pray for direction.

The evening went well, they were nice people, easy to talk with, were open to just about any subject and I hope we see them again. Somehow those dark clouds were rolled over the horizon, leaving me much more open. Thank you.

Saturday was a day full of chores. Brought home more fuel for the pellet stove, pruned my fruit trees (the buds on the plums are fleshing out, already with colour, our weather unseasonably warm, unlike the rest of North America), did some small repairs, and went for my first run in a long long time. (six sets of: run two minutes, walk two minutes, do that three times a week and then increase the run time by one minute per week). My moods swung throughout the day, happy and content, then fearful, then dark moodiness, then back to openness. (Do my thoughts create the mood or does the mood create the thoughts?) However, it is what it is, and at the end of the day, I did not have amends to make. My partner and I were both content with the successes of the day.

In reading more about step six in the 12 and 12, I was reminded that the lesson in humility I was given when I reached my bottom was very important in the lifting of the obsession to drink and porn. That humility was achieved at the price of great pain. Humility through humiliation:

When men and women pour so much alcohol into themselves that they destroy their lives, they commit a most unnatural act. Defying their instinctive desire for self-preservation, they seem bent upon self-destruction. As they are humbled by the terrific beating administered by alcohol, the grace of God can enter them and expel their obsession. Here their powerful instinct to live can cooperate fully with their Creator's desire to give them new life. For nature and God alike abhor suicide. (12 and 12, page 64)

Humility is also required when working with steps six and seven. They are spiritual steps. I must admit that I sometimes struggle with how much spirituality is part of the 12 steps, how much reliance on a Power greater than myself. Seems like pain is the best instructor towards acceptance.

Photo Credit: geebee2007

Entirely Ready

2010-01-22T06:44:00.000-08:00

I was moody last night as I went to my home group. Darkness rolling in like unwelcome weather. I went in early to set up the chairs and make the coffee, hoping the gloom I felt wouldn't transfer to the room or affect the taste of the java. Appropriately, the meeting was a discussion on the suggestion of step six: "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." One of the members pointed out that we alcoholics rush to the end and focus on the defects of character, skipping past "entirely ready" and "God remove".

As I thought about what was said, I realized (this is dangerous ground, me thinking that is) that I am making a character defect out of the fact I continue to have an imperfect life. I end up believing that I am not entirely ready, that I am purposefully hanging onto my defects, that I am flawed because I do so.

The member pointed out that we just need to be ready to let God do what God is supposed to do. Somehow, the member made to step softer, more full of grace, took it out of the pressure cooker. Sometimes, I like to scrunch up all the muscles in my scalp and face, trying to force out that what plagues me. It's not about me, it's about God. I have to do my part but I'm seeing this step as more about acceptance and trust and not about doing something.

At the end of the meeting there were no new comers to talk to. For some reason, I had the least amount of experience in the room. I stayed till everyone left and still felt like I need to find someone to talk with. As I drove away, I decided to get some flowers for my partner and while at the grocery store, I ran into a new comer. Grace.

Photo Credit: The Gifted Photographer

a hand to hold

2010-01-21T06:32:00.000-08:00

There is a part of my day that has become habit. A part that I have gratitude for. Each morning, I couple hands with my partner and we take turns praying. She prays for those close to her, she wants God's best for them, that they would learn to deeply trust God. I feel God's grace when she prays for me, knowing that I am loved by her as she prays, knowing of many who have no one to pray for them. I feel grace because she is entrusting me to the God of her understanding.

When I pray, I like to use the symbolism that heads this blog. I place those I love in God's hands and pray that the circumstances those loved ones find themselves in will draw them closer to God. Children, sponsee's, sponsors, people who are in pain, all end up in that special basket. I pray that as they struggle with life, I'll stay out of the way, that I'll try not to smooth things over. (As my children grew up, I felt like God had failed them if they had to suffer any hardship and I needed to make that up to them.) I pray that I can walk in God's will, that self-pity, anger, or just plain self won't take me out of the game. I pray that I can walk with God, to remain sober one more day.

When done, we hug and then carry on with the day. At the end of the day, we pray together, usually sharing gratitude for what the day has brought.

I often forget just how much I already have, how much has been restored in my life when I fell into recovery. I'm grateful that I am where I am, for I have so much.

Photo Credit: batega

Redolent

2010-01-20T06:26:00.000-08:00

In the early morning hours of Monday, we had storm blow through our area, the biggest gust recorded was 108 km per hour. The noise of the wind blowing through the trees woke everyone up, the power was out for hours. I drove to work on Monday, it was raining hard. Yesterday, as I walked to work, the shoulder of the road was strewn with branches ripped from the fir tree forest that the road goes through. In places, it was like a carpet. The fragrance of evergreen filled the air. Made for a walk full of gratitude. My imagination was wondering if the tree's enjoyed the massage, having all the dead needles removed, the week branches pruned. I guess if I was feeling at peace, then the trees must be feeling at peace. My brain can be amusing.

My partner and I started to take ball room dance lessons last night. We had tried this a couple of years ago but couldn't find the time to keep it up. It was fun, my spouse was smiling the whole time we were moving around the floor.

My mood went from dark to grey as the day progressed yesterday. It just seemed to ease up. This morning, it is much easier just to be me. When my mood is lighter, it is much easier to feel connected, to be part of the "we". When the mood is dark, I feel alone, isolated, apart. Nothing has really changed, just my internal landscape.

It's like some days, I paint a dark, brooding picture of the world, another day pictures full of light and peace. Truth is the only thing that has changed is my point of view. My understanding is that I do the same actions, no matter what the feelings are. Continue to do the next right thing that the Director asks me to do. What I understand that my Higher Power asks of me is to love the person in front of me the same way that the God of my understanding does for me. To love unconditionally, to have compassion and care, to not judge. God does it much better than me. Feelings are transient, my responsibilites are not. I have to admit that this is much easier to say when my mood isn't dark.

Thankful that I'm sober and clean and feeling connected. Thanks for reading.

Photo Credit: lepiaf.geo

Who's upstairs?

2010-01-19T06:21:00.000-08:00

You know, the trouble with feelings is they are just not dependable. A good one shows up and then doesn't stick around. Takes off in the middle of the night and someone else moves in. The new guy claims squatter's rights. Those pesky feelings must control the optic nerve because the world sure looks different depending on what's living in my head. They also control the "Hey, It's okay to be the judge" switch. I'm thankful I get control of the words that come out of my mouth and out of my finger tips. Being moody makes it a bit more challenging to do the right thing. Unfortunately, it still becomes painfully obvious to those close to me that I am struggling. Mostly by the lack of conversation.

I need to write about a word I've been loath to mention. I've struggled with depression since a teenager and probably before then. It's a lonely place, with a bodily heaviness that's hard to push through. I can visualize it as a warm, viscous sea, hard to swim through, easy just to sink and float in the middle, to let myself be trapped. I was on anti-depressants for years, not gaining much benefit from the one I was on. I went off it about a few months before I went to treatment for addiction.

While I was in treatment, I woke one morning feeling very dark. I made a commitment to myself at that time that I would do all the right things to stay sober and clean no matter what feeling showed up. As I lived in that day, sharing my feelings, talking, being, the darkness that had enveloped me seem to evaporate and did not return for a few years. However, these last few months my internal landscape is becoming full of self-pity and sadness.

I think that the hardest part of being down is that it's hard to find an interest in others. To keep the focus off of what I am feeling and to focus on someone else. It is hard work that keeps me sober and out of my head. The trouble with self-pity is that I become quiet, floating and listening, ending up as a morose observer, I become separated from you. My quietness and sadness builds a wall. Nobody wants to spend time with someone who is constantly down or sad. Self-pity is particularly unattractive and repulsive. It is also frustrating to those trying to help because there isn't much that can be done.

God will not wave a magic want and make this all go away. Wishes cure nothing. I am responsible for doing the right things, no matter what feelings are enveloping me. The most deadly thing is giving up, not taking action. I've turned my blog into a way to map these feelings, to be able to chart where I am. It is a part of my journey through my recovery.

I miss that part of treatment, where you can sit in a group and talk about feelings and experiences and there is cross talk allowed. Exploration in that kind of setting was a settling experience .

Wow, to many words this morning. Better get ready for work.

Bill W. stayed sober through many years of depression, so, if I'm depressed, so can I. I am not alone.

Photo Credit: Patries71

Not alone is the safe way

2010-01-16T08:30:00.001-08:00

Bill W, in the August, 1961 edition of the Grapevine wrote:

If we are fooling ourselves, a competent adviser can see this quickly. And, as he skillfully guides us away from our fantasies, we are surprised to find that we have few of the usual urges to defend ourselves against unpleasant truths. In no other way can fear, pride, and ignorance be so readily melted. After a time, we realize that we are standing firm on a brand-new foundation for integrity and we gratefully credit our sponsors.

As I read this, I was reminded that I am only as sick as my secrets. That the only way to test my thinking is by sharing whats going on in my head with someone else. I am grateful that for this blog, for it gives me the space I need to explore, to write, and to listen to your experience. I also find it easier to talk with my sponsor after writing here.

It reinforces, for me, the idea that I do not walk in recovery alone. That we do recovery together.

I also like the idea on how integrity is tied in with gratitude and humility.

Thanks for letting me share.

Photo Credit: Starbuckguy

a list

2010-01-15T06:29:00.000-08:00

I am grateful for breath, for my time upon this planet with you.

Grateful for a connection with something much Greater than myself.

Grateful for my partner, for our children and grandchildren.

Grateful that my addicted child has been at a recovery centre these past weeks.

Grateful for my home group, for their patience.

Grateful that people are able to trust me.

Grateful for my connection with you.

Grateful that somehow the courage comes up so I can do the right things while being fearful.

Grateful that I looked up the pronunciations for breath and breathe and discovered I had them backwards! :)

You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself." (Page 152 of the Big Book)

Photo Credit: aussiegall

A re-opening

2010-01-14T06:17:00.000-08:00

Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?

Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. That means we have written a book which we believe to be spiritual as well as moral. And it means, of course, that we are going to talk about God. Here difficulty arises with agnostics. Many times we talk to a new man and watch his hope rise as we discuss his alcoholic problems and explain our fellowship. But his face falls when we speak of spiritual matters, especially when we mention God, for we have re-opened a subject which our man thought he had neatly evaded or entirely ignored. (Page 45 of the Big Book)

I remember feeling frustrated when I discovered that God was going to be an important part of my recovery. I had spent the previous few years running away from God and there he was, right in front of me. As one of my grandson's said, "Grrrrr". One of the things that happened in treatment was that I was given permission to rebuild what I believed. I didn't have to drag old understandings with me as I started my life anew. I could place myself in the hands of a loving, compassionate and patient God, sans the big stick.

One of the suggested topics of last nights meeting was on how do we find God now. It generated a lot of interesting sharing with the gist being that God finds us and not the other way round. One fellow, who has recently returned to the rooms, shared that another way to look at God was Good Orderly Direction and not some nebulous being.

We spoke after the meeting, I shared a bit about how I wanted a God with a magic wand , who would make my life better without effort on my part. I had learned that I need to do the work, to take responsibility. I shared on how I turned my will and life over to God and that I had no idea who God was but that I would now take direction from my Higher Power. I mentioned that I assumed that direction would be to finish working the steps and start loving the person right in front of me. This fellow stepped closer to me and shared that he didn't believe that one could get any direction from God and that he doubted the 12 steps were effective either. As he stepped closer, the smell of stale booze assailed me, reminding me that his battle is raw, that his wounds are wide open but his defences were built high.

I hope and pray that he finds that power greater than himself. That he finds the courage to break down his walls and let his opinions go. I remind myself that it was and is a painful road of change for me and that it probably will be the same for that fellow. I hope he makes it. He's already doing service work for he taught me a lot. I am grateful I took the time be with him. Hope I see him again.

Thanks for letting me share.

Photo Credit: Alasdair Thompson

it's enough

2010-01-13T06:35:00.000-08:00

When I went to a meeting last Sunday night, I was afraid to talk or share. I couldn't push past it so had to be content with the washing of coffee cups as my bit of service for that meeting. Monday night, words came out of my mouth and I was able to talk with people after the meeting, sharing my experience and hope. I'm thankful that I'm not that fearful everyday.

In a group setting, I want to become invisible, wanting to just sit and listen. Not wanting to expose myself. I've been like this since I was a child. Alcohol gave me that sense of ease that I have never felt around the many. Alcohol was like a selfish lover that wanted to kill me in the end, that sense of ease long gone.

I cannot stay sober alone. My daily reprieve is based on my spiritual condition. My spiritual condition is based on staying close to my Higher Power and to you. My ego asks that I stay close to me. Each day I have a choice.

For breathe, for hands linked in a big circle of prayer, for arms and legs that work, for grace.

From page 68 of the big book:

Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.

Just for today.

Photo Credit: Garry

A Sioux Prayer

2010-01-12T06:31:00.000-08:00

Oh, Great Spirit, whose voice I hear in the wind Whose breath gives life to the world, hear me. I come to you as one of your many children, I am small and weak, I need your strength and wisdom

May I walk in beauty. Make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunset. Make my hands respect the things you have made and my ears sharp to your voice. Make me wise so that I may know the things you have taught your children.

The lessons you have written in every leaf and rock make me strong. Not to be superior to my brothers, but to fight my greatest enemy....myself

Make me ever ready to come to you with straight eyes,so that when life fades as the fading sunset, may my spirit come to you without shame.

Translated by Chief Yellow Lark -1887

a different basis

2010-01-11T05:48:00.000-08:00

This morning, I am thankful I have breathe. Yesterday, I was able to spend the day with family and end the day with a meeting. Yesterday, I struggled to stay in the moment, to feel comfortable with me.

Some moments, I just cannot feel comfortable with people. Especially large groups. I end up by not speaking with anyone, wanting to get away. I did that at the meeting last night, just sat and listened, talked when spoken to, washed the coffee cups and went home. Probably said 30 words. There is self-pity in this but it comes down to being afraid. Being afraid of being judged and found wanting. Believing that I have nothing useful to offer.

It's a lie that I sometimes believe. It's a lie that has been part of my life as a child. The fear passes but it's a hard to do the right thing when the fear is alive. When the fear does pass, then I want to criticize myself to succumbing to that fear. I am grateful that the fear passes and I have been taught the tools to shut down the egg beater in my mind.

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus

The rain is drumming on the roof as I write. We've had 22 mm of rain since midnight and the weatherman says it's not going to let up till tonight. At least it is in liquid form, not needing to be shovelled. All sorts of things to be thankful for.

And from page 68 of the Big Book:

Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.

We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.

Thanks for letting me share.

Photo Credit: jasohill

Looking past the stern.

2010-01-10T08:54:00.000-08:00

We were driving towards a bigger city and it was raining hard. Sitting in that little cocoon of warm and dry as we travel though the wetness is something I am grateful for. Having lunch with my parents, going out for supper with my partner, catching a movie, having a day just for us, talking about the past year and our hopes for the next, celebrating my belly button birthday (55).

In a sense, it was a day of healing for our relationship. I can do a lot of damage in my restlessness and irritability. Me stuck in self-pity, no fun for anyone. But when I stop fighting everyone and everything, learning to accept life as it is, the relationship thing becomes easier. After all, nobody wants to hug a porcupine (or a skunk.)

The happiness of the day wasn't based on my mood for it's still dark and unsettled. It's based on just taking in what rolls along, looking with purpose at what's going on. Good things are happening, all is not dark.

Melodie Beattie is quoted as saying:

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Learning to let go, to trust that those I deeply care for are resting in the same hands of God that I rest in, also gives me pause for saying thank you. I would like to develop that into something deeper.

Thanks for taking the time to visit.

Photo Credit: ecreyes

2010-01-09T08:02:00.000-08:00

A cold mist, in a cloud enshrouded world, upon my face as I walked to work. An unexpected phone call from a friend I had not heard from for a couple of years. Watching my grandson just stand himself up and walk around his home with never ending energy. Relishing and sharing a meal that my daughter had prepared. Being aware of the day as it passed. Living that day sober and clean. Those are some of the things that brought me peacefulness and joy.

This morning, the cloudscape is dramatic, God has draped them so only one mountain is silhouetted by a narrow band of light, the light that graces us before the rising of the sun. This moment, sitting at the kitchen table, reading recovery literature, taking time to write, is often my favourite part of the day.

In looking for a gratitude quote, I came across this one attributed to Albert Schweitzer:

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

It is so true. My recovery comes from those that have gone before me. Who have lit up the path for me to see. Starting with the rooms of Alanon, moving on to AA, the support of members in those rooms, the support of fellow bloggers. All the collective experience and hope. You have shown me how to live. How to keep on keeping on. Specially when the road gets rough.

Thank you for showing me of gratitude. How gratitude begets more gratitude.

My mood is still dark but the hopelessness has been tempered. It seems a little brighter. Irish is right, it's not about the feelings and the emotions, it's about doing the right things with our lives, in spite of those feelings.

It would be nice to give off the occasional spark. Thank you for sharing your light with us.

Photo Credit: M Sobota

just for today

2010-01-08T06:27:00.000-08:00

Emotional sobriety or stability seems to be eluding me. That's why I started blogging in earnest, to see if I could some understanding as to why I have ended up in the emotional soup I am in. Boy, the words are hard to find this morning.

I had a sponsee who had this ability to be quiet at meeting, then go out for a smoke, talk with someone, anyone and get offers of help for him. Free smokes, free rides, free food, free advice, and he never seemed to be able to take responsibility for himself. The fact that he constantly used people for personal gain bothered me. We spoke of it, he acknowledged it, but never changed the behaviour. He could not get passed the fear the drove it, even though he could see the fear.

I bring this up because of how that behaviour made me feel. Wondering if I do the same? Do I consciously or unconsciously manipulate people to get something I need?

My thoughts are so scattered. I had a very good day on Wednesday, Thursday woke up fine, a beautiful sunrise and walk to work and as the day progressed I drifted into the morass of sadness. This morning, just this general feeling of blah. At this point, it's at the place where it could flip to grumpiness and I try to drag those I am close to into the pit with me. I am tired of trying to figure this out. It's not helping.

I am thankful that I am breathing. For my bowl of oatmeal and a hot mug of coffee. For the cat sitting on the window sill besides me, his motor running. I am thankful that I have a job to go to this morning. I am thankful for an encouraging partner. For the cat now sitting on my shoulder. I am grateful for the member who shared a 25 year cake last night, who shared that life does get better. I am thankful that I am not alone. That I am sober and clean today.

Just for today, I am going to try and notice all the small things that bring me joy and gratitude.

"Joy is a heart full and a mind purified by gratitude.", Marietta McCarty

Photo credit: Wildphotons

Pendulum

2010-01-07T06:21:00.000-08:00

In 1959, Bill Wilson wrote this in a letter:

The real question is whether we can learn anything from our experiences upon which we may grow and help others to grow in the likeness and image of God. We know that if we rebel against doing that which is reasonably possible for us, then we will be penalized. And we will be equally penalized if we presume in ourselves a perfection that simply is not there. Apparently, the course of relative humility and progress will have to lie somewhere between these extremes. In our slow progress away from rebellion, true perfection is doubtless several millennia away.

Bill Wilson often wrote about balance, of finding the path between being morose and being prideful. Being of proper size, not to big and not to small. If I work the steps, then I'll be on the way to finding my right size but I'll never become that guy who's emotions are suave, fit, and trim. I appreciate the bit about "slow progress."

I realized, last night, how hard I have been fighting this past year. Fighting against the circumstances of my life, wanting to feel like I'm in control of some little part. This fighting, dressed up as noble and worthy (starting a new career just a few years short of retiring) creates a lot of pain for myself and for those close to me. Maybe it's time to accept.

I wonder if it's possible to explore how we setup platforms in our minds. Find position's upon which we stand, that create our world view and ideologies. Some point to external truths, others to internal, others say there is no one truth, but we all create a point of reference. I know how hard it is to replace a damaged platform once it is constructed. How painful it was to acknowledge my alcoholism and start the work to change my thinking, my perceptions on how the world was ordered.

Finding that path of balance is part of the journey. I never seem to know when I have balance, only when I have fallen to either side. Makes for an interesting journey. Glad I'm not alone.

Photo Credit: TimboDon

thanks

2010-01-06T07:11:00.000-08:00

I fell back asleep this morning, after the alarm went off. Slept for another half hour. Guess I needed that. Gonna keep it short.

I've withdrawn from the course, wanting to concentrate on other area's in my life. Still feeling sad about that decision.

I feel a lot of gratitude for the comments, the care, and the compassion of fellow recovery bloggers. Folk who take time out of their busy days to visit, to write in their own blogs, to share of their own struggles and successes. Other human beings who show me I am not unique. Others who show me I have value. That recovery does depend upon we. That we are never alone.

Just want to say thank you.

Hank.

Photo Credit: hathu-

I hate change.

2010-01-05T06:31:00.000-08:00

I need to make a change in my life.

When I signed up for a university course in the fall of 2009, I needed to make room in my life for that time allotment. One evening a week to attend class and about 8 to 10 hours a week to do the homework. I work full time, attend meetings, have service responsibilities, have a relationship with a wonderful woman and relationships with my children and friends, sponsor, and sponsee's. So, to get the extra day and half for the class into my life, I had to give stuff up. I went from three meetings a week to two meetings. I gave up time with my spouse. I gave up one service position. I stopped writing in my blog. And for that, I got a really great mark in a class I really enjoyed, and a lot of restlessness, irritability, discontentment, and stressed relationships.

When I was laid off last summer, I returned to school to help start a new career. I had to drop out when I was surprisingly called back to work. I loved the positive environment of the classes I was attending. I did not and do not want to loose it. Yesterday, my sponsor asked me to make up a priority list and the top two are sobriety and my spouse. My classes are down around #6. Someone else I really respect said something similar, in that I need to protect that which is important to my family.

Enchanted Oak recently commented: "Just wanted to say that the solution I found was extensive work with other alcoholics. It keeps me out of myself and also gives me a sense of peace inside." At a meeting I attended in December, after I shared of my restlessness and irritability, an experienced member shared that the only way to RID myself of the emotional discomfort was by working with others. And that takes a big time commitment.

As I write, I feel a deep sadness about being an alcoholic. It is proving difficult to write the words "I am going to give up the class I am scheduled to start tomorrow." so,

My name is Hank and I am an alcoholic. I am in recovery due to the altruistic nature of Alcoholics Anonymous. I stay sober and can gain in serenity by having three important parts in my life:

a relationship with my Higher Power.
an honest evaluation of myself.
working with others.

I shall keep on trudging down this road with you. No one knows where it's going to end up. Not my will, but God's.

Photo Credit: Beedieu

to little listening.

2010-01-04T06:26:00.000-08:00

Hi, I didn't mean to stay away for so long but between company and then picking up some kind of digestive viral thing-a-ma-jig, there just wasn't time for self reflection. I am here to report that worshipping at the f00t of the porcelain god has not improved in it's ascetic value. I'm starting to feel better and am going back to work this morning.

I've mentioned before about my judgmental attitude. What I am picking up on these days is how I can justify it by thinking that I need to avoid or stay away from certain people or bloggers to protect my sobriety because I become too negative when I hear them share or read what they have written. I have found that as I trundle down that path, I have less and less people that I listen to, that the circle of folk I live my life with shrinks and ultimately I will find myself alone. When I achieve that goal of aloneness, then I can blame everyone else if I choose to drink or porn again. Self loathing turns into a loathing of all which turns again into the painfulness of a slow suicide by drinking and porning.

I do not have to walk down that path. I can choose to listen to the voices of everyone who speaks. I can learn from each and everyone. The voice of men, I find particularly difficult of listen to without being judgmental. I have high standards for myself and using those values, I find other men lacking. If the speaker is male, young, and dually addicted (a reflection of my addicted child) then my mind goes to never never land. I don't want to hear what he is struggling with or what his experience is because it bring out fear in me, fear for my child. This is something that I choose to do, for there are others are in the same boat and they do not react like this. This type of thinking has been part of my recovery since it's inception. I avoided those young men in the treatment centre I attended and I avoid them today. I have tried to change this in the past and have failed. I hope, with the help of my Higher Power, to change that corrosive thinking this year. Less fear at meetings, more courage to face life.

I guess that's as close to a New Year's resolution that I am going to get to. Thank you for reading.

Photo Credit: Simple Slices.

grit's okay.

2009-12-31T09:36:00.000-08:00

This past year has been a most difficult passage of time. The river of life has been generous in gifting me with lessons. Unfortunately, I seem to end most of these lessons with a deeper dislike of myself, blaming myself for not growing and changing, self resentment growing and resentment of those around me growing at the same time. It's been a challenging year for those close to me, especially to the one who shares the nest.

Irish Friend of Bill wrote "You are Lovable" and after reading, I'm left with a bit of hope that sooner or later I am going to get it.

Not sure how it's going to happen but I have been told that if I keep doing the "work" eventually I'll get to that place of self-acceptance. I vision self-acceptance as seeing myself through my Higher Power's eyes and not my own.

I would not trade this past year back. I'm sure that what has come my way is still changing me, still at work deep within. I want to change, am powerless to change, so the only way is to let the natural erosion of life do it's work. In God's way and in God's time.

From page 84 of the big book:

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

Photo Credit: Broterham

thankful

2009-12-30T09:21:00.000-08:00

It was a full day of visitors and visiting yesterday. Lots of times the feelings of wanting to escape came up. It was also the conclusion of our board game tournament and even though I lost, I still won, since all the losers had to treat the winner to lunch and it tasted good.

I feel a bit more level today. The buzzing in my head is much subdued. This morning, as I read my way through the blogosphere, I was filled with gratitude for what I was reading. Gratitude for starting my day with you.

My goal is to stay in the day, and learn to love that man in the mirror. I am meeting with a sponsee for coffee this afternoon. We still have family over for a few more days so more games and conversation.

I feel thankful that my life is in God's hands and that all that I am going through is just a part of the journey.

Tall Kay, over at Aha Moments, wrote about trust, faith, and fear. Spoke volumes to me.

Thank you for your support and comments.

Photo Credit: James Jordan

To Life

2009-12-29T09:02:00.000-08:00

The house was empty yesterday afternoon and I wanted to use the time to read. It was cloudy and at the freezing mark outside, so I started a big campfire in the backyard, sat a chair beside it, alternating between reading and watching the flames. I read Herman Hesse's "Siddhartha", a Christmas gift from one of my children. As I watched the flames I thought about what I had wrote yesterday and about what I was reading. Siddhartha discovers that no matter what we do we end up facing life. It gave me pause, for so much of my life's activity is about shielding me from the painfulness that accompanies life. Even if I build what I consider the perfect wall, life will find a way to sneak in. There is no way to escape.

When I reread my resentment list from yesterday, do a forth step on each item, I see the fear in each. Seems like I am afraid of life, of being alive. If I look a little deeper, I see other fears, a fear of getting old, a fear that there is not enough time left to get everything accomplished that my partner and I would like to do. A second one is that there won't be enough finances available to accomplish our dreams. As well, somewhere in that list is a wish that I had sobered up younger in life.

Siddhartha's final teacher was the river. Life is like a river, ever flowing, every changing, always the same. Life teaches me, through pain, pain I impose on myself, lessons on living. On how to live. These lessons take a lifetime to learn. I have spent most of my life trying to escape those lessons. Another great fear I have is that I won't figure this out, that I will scrabble through life blindly. My fears ask me to give up. Life asks that I just accept what comes down the river.

Today I choose to be sober and clean. To face, to accept, what flows into my life, into the lives of those I care for. I will be afraid for that's the way I am. I will try to accept that.

In the January 1962 edition of the Grapevine, Bill W. wrote, "When fear persisted, we knew it for what it was, and we became able to handle it. We began to see each adversity as a God-given opportunity to develop the kind of courage which is born of humility, rather than of bravado."

Thank you to each one who commented yesterday. Some of those words stung, but they gave perspective as well. I have so much gratitude that I do not face life alone. That those who have gone down this path before me are willing to share of their own hope and experience. That we travel together. You are much appriciated, each one.

Photo Credit: Nicholas T.